


Doubt

by CutThroatCas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ASL, Abusive John Winchester, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Murder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, BAMF Dean, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Bullying, Castiel has a diary, Cliche, Comatose, Crossdressing, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Depictions of self-harm, Depressed Castiel, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Harassment, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Murder, Naomi Being a Dick, Neglected Castiel, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Dean Winchester, Sappy, Self-Harm, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Dean, Twink Castiel, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-05 12:25:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6704488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CutThroatCas/pseuds/CutThroatCas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is an insecure, bullied, sad mess, who likes to keep to himself. Dean is the new kid, who is already popular, and wants Castiel. </p><p>+ May be triggering for some, depictions of self-harm.</p><p>*This work is on hiatus for I do not have the dedication and desire to finish it. Thank you to all who read it and so on, I don't know when it'll be updated, or if it will be updated. I will still upload other stories.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time & Time Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is on Quotev and Wattpad, I just haven't uploaded it to AO3. This has been around a year and half WIP. It's extremely corny and cliche, and I think it's a train wreck but I promised to continue it. But hey, if you love angsty love stories, this is for you! So enjoy and I'll update soon! 
> 
> *This work is intended for the private enjoyment of the reader. I do not give permission for this the work to be read aloud and/or shared with the press and/or anyone working on the production of Supernatural.*
> 
> **The non-con is only attempted and implied!**

**_Open the slits in your face and start your day_ **  
**_You don't have much time to make your slits look just right_ **  
**_I'm in your mind_ **  
**_I'm singing_ **  
**_I'm in your mind_ **

**_I'_ _m_ ** **_singing la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da da_ **

* * *

 

**_March 31st, 2015_ **

**_Today was the same as always, the teasing and name calling. But what surprised me today was instead of getting jumped and beaten to a pulp, I oddly enough got my face shoved in a toilet. Classic_.**    
  
Castiel closed his ugly, leather diary and put it under his pillow. He than sighed, getting up from his bed and wincing. He looked at the mirror that was connected behind his door. He lifted up his shirt, flinching a little, looking at his bruised ribs. Castiel traced the discolorations with his fingers, getting lost in his thoughts, he was so entranced with his self hatred, the knock on his door made him jump.  
  
"Castiel, honey," Castiel groaned, it was his annoying mother, Naomi. He didn't even open the door when he answered her.  
  
"What?" Naomi wasn't surprised the door stayed shut.  
  
"So, I'm going on a business trip for awhile..." Castiel stayed quiet, waiting for her to continue. "I'll be gone for a week or so."  
  
Castiel bit his inner cheek, he was going to be alone, _again._ It's not like he didn't want to show her the black eye he was given, or the busted lip, because like most mothers, they'd panic and freak out. But with his mother, she'd advert her eyes, avoiding the issue. The door was the only thing keeping him away from her insensitive reaction, the impetuous response he'd get if he did bring up the bullying. _"Have you ever thought, maybe, it was your fault they treat you like that, Castiel?"_  He could here it replay over and over again in his head.  
  
Naomi interrupted his thoughts, "Do you want me to hire a nanny?"  
  
Castiel scoffed and rolled his eyes. He basically raised himself, with various nannies acting as if they cared. His mother was always gone for business, or just gone to avoid her only son.   
  
"I do not need a nanny, mother," He inhaled, "I am seventeen years old, I do not need a damn nanny!" Castiel was now getting angry, she was so tedious.   
  
"Language Castiel!"  
  
He bit his lip weakly and then shook his head tiredly. She exhaled, "I have left you a new credit card on the counter in the kitchen, that should last longer then needed, so why not treat yourself?" She said with a smile in her voice. Castiel could swear his eyes were going to roll out his skull. Naomi thinks money could buy anything, happiness ironically. But all Castiel had was his self loathing,  _horrendous_ life.   
  
"Okay, whatever." He was leaning on the door now.   
  
"All right then, I'll be in New York, and um, it's very important, so don't call unless it's absolutely necessary."  
  
Castiel flared his nostrils, as if he'd call her. She than left, no 'good bye,' no 'I love you.' _Of course not,_ Castiel thought. He did at one point in their relationship say it first, said he loved his mother, but she never returned it. So he gave up. Castiel sighed once again, going back to his bed. He loved being away from Naomi, _duh,_ but being alone completely...hurt. He felt more vulnerable than usual, he felt like he could be attacked at any moment, even in the walls of his own home.

He lied down on his bed, groaning at the pain all over his body. He ran his fingers through his dark mop of hair, and closed his eyes. Tomorrow was only Wednesday, and he was completely exhausted.  
  
The bullying started Freshman year, he just moved schools, again, because of Naomi's new job offer here in Lawrence, Kansas. He thought it'd only be temporary but since it was now his Junior year, he thought wrong. To Castiel's dismay, Naomi loved her new job, and decided to not take anymore job offers in different states anymore. So she decided that this new life was permanent, for her _and_ Castiel.

While she was moving up in her new job, Castiel lived Hell. Everyday he'd get picked on, first verbally, then suddenly physically. It was a routine, go to school, get beat up, and go home and think of many ways to kill himself. Castiel just thinks life is unfair. He is smaller than an average teen, he is basically scrawny and more feminine. But he's never done anything wrong to deserve the daily beatings, the bullies just saw him as powerless. _Which was sort of true_ , Castiel thought. But it became the norm, running from his tormentors, eventually getting his ass beat, and go home and repeat the next day. Of course he felt it was only right to tell the teachers, but when all schools say no bullying is tolerated, they truly don't mean it.  Also, he felt what the thugs were saying were true. So what's the point, _right?_

Castiel whimpered and rolled on his stomach, shoving his face in to his pillow. "Everything they say  _is_ true." He said, muffled by the pillow.  
  
Castiel started sobbing quietly. He wanted to skip tomorrow, or even the rest of the week. But he was too worried about his grades to do something like that. He asked his mother to be home schooled but Naomi said Castiel was already a shut in and homeschooling wouldn't help. But that's what Castiel loved, being locked away from the world. His pillow was now damp, and his whines were growing louder. He just didn't want to go tomorrow, or ever again. 

* * *

Castiel woke up the next day, his face was extremely dry from last night's melt down. He got up and went to his en-suite. He quickly got dressed, then he washed his face and quickly brushed his teeth. Once finished, he spared himself a glance in the mirror. Then he glared at what stared back at him. Castiel looked at his features, _so ugly. So much money, but so ugly._ That's probably just it; Castiel thought he was normal, but he just  _wasn't._ He wasn't attractive, he thought, and he has more money than other individuals. That gave his attackers multiple reasons to assault him. He _deserved_ it.   
  
Castiel sighed, smoothing out the creases in his shirt and shuddered, forgetting about the bruises splattered all over his abdomen and chest. He grabbed his backpack and pulled it over his shoulder, going down stairs and grabbing the credit card off the counter. Naomi may belittle him, but he'll still will take what he's offered.   
  
Castiel made his way to the garage where his beautiful, yellow, 1969 Dodge Challenger was waiting for him. It was the only thing left from his father. His father left when Castiel was born, saying he didn't want a kid, and he wasn't ready. So he left Naomi, leaving the car. It kind of sucked as a memory, but the car as itself is amazing. Castiel traced his fingers over the black pattern that was on the doors and the hood, he slid in to the leather seats and started the engine, it purred gracefully. Castiel smiled, he just loved his car so much. He instantly opened the garage door and made his way to school. Once he parked around the corner from his school (purposely hiding it), he turned off the engine and prepared himself for another dreadful day.   
  
When he entered the school, he'd expect the torture to begin right away, like usual. But everyone was staring the opposite direction, strangely enough, no one had announced his arrival yet so the teasing didn't start. The halls were awkwardly quiet, only whispers and fear could be seen. Castiel saw this as his chance to sneak to the library before class started.  
  
He made it to the there successfully, he beamed a huge smile, he wanted to throw a fist in the air and congratulate himself. But it was too good to be true. His main tormentor and his boonies were there, hoarding around a table intensely talking about something--it looked serious. So instead of being caught, he dipped away in an aisle into his favorite genre, science fiction. He grabbed a random book and sat down on the floor, opening it up to the first page.  
  
Castiel got so enthralled in the introduction of the book, he didn't hear the gasp and murmurs that was coming from the other students in the library. He also didn't realize that there was another person in the aisle. The person bent down next to Castiel's ear, with a huge smirk on their face.  
  
"Hello blue eyes." The deep voice and warm breath on his ear made Castiel jump and slam the book shut.  
  
Castiel's eyes widened and he was face to face with, like, a God. _Yeah a God,_ Castiel thought. The boy in front of him had coffee-like hair, that was short and spiked up a bit in the front. He had freckles sprinkled all over the bridge of his nose and his cheeks. Beside his superb freckles, his eyes were a charming emerald. The boy licked his lips and gleamed at Castiel. Castiel inhaled and shoved the new book in his backpack before inching away, scooting on his bottom.  
  
"U-uh," He put his backpack on his shoulders and stood up.  
  
The boy was still crouched down looking up at Castiel with his alluring smile.  
  
"I-I'm sorry if I was in your way, um..."  
  
The boy then got up, still grinning devilishly. Everything about this boy was perfect, his face, his smell, the way he licked his lips for the third time now, and even his height. Castiel was just at the boy's shoulders, weirdly admiring stranger. He broke the stare and looked at the ground, realizing he was gawking at him.  
  
The boy laughed, and put his hands in his peculiar leather jacket, "You weren't in my way, angel."  
  
Castiel's eyes widened once again because of the random title.  
  
"What were you reading there?" The boy asked, eyes referring to Castiel's backpack.  
  
Castiel shook his head anxiously, the gorgeous boy was frowning now, and Castiel rubbed the back of his neck stiffly. He should be running away now but he didn't feel threatened at all. He felt like this odd boy wasn't going to hurt him.   
  
"Yeah you're right, I'm not going to hurt you," Castiel looked up frantically, realizing he had said that last part aloud.  
  
The boy then leaned down and whispered in Castiel's ear once again, "But I think you're the one acting odd."  
  
He thought his heart was going to burst through his rib cage then, he felt his legs get weak and at any moment he knew he was going to fall.   
  
"Uh, excuse me." Castiel muttered, now heading towards (basically running) to the exit, he could feel the boy's gaze watching him all the way out the door. He was sure he was going to burst into tears at the encounter alone. Why was this guy talking to him? Why him? Why Castiel? He looked down at his hands, that were shaking profusely, and he was sweating. Castiel felt like he was going to cry right there in the hallway.                   

* * *

Castiel ran his fingers through his damp hair as he entered his homeroom, he had to get his thoughts off that weird boy. He sat in the back, as usual. All his classes were AP, Advance Placement, meaning he was taking college classes. Which was perfect on Castiel's account, because his bullies were absolutely stupid and were in average classes, or middle school classes even, while Castiel was in the "smart kid" classes, that only had eleven students including himself.  
  
The ten other students were nerds, you could say, not only in school but in their at-home lives. He was happy he fitted in well here, and that he stayed in this class all day and only had to deal with the harassment when he left the class. Which was _rarely,_ even for lunch he'd try and hide away in here.  
  
Castiel pulled his notebook and pencil case out his backpack. He had already finished this weeks work ahead of time, so he'd just take notes during the lectures. He opened the notebook and grabbed a pencil. But his mind was so offtrack that he started to doodle eyes. When he finished the long lashes on the eyes, he started dotting little speckles under the eyes. Castiel was so entranced in his drawing he pulled out a green pen, and filled in the eyes. Then realization struck Castiel, _what the hell am I doing?_ he asked himself, putting both of his hands over his eyes and groaning. The bell rang, making all ten of the students scatter to the front while Castiel stayed in the back, secluded, with his hands still over his eyes, mentally punishing himself for drawing that bizarre boy's eyes.  
  
The teacher came in with the clank of her heels and a huge smile on her face. "Good morning everyone," She said putting her bag behind her desk. "Great news!" She said perking up like always.   
  
Everybody had wide eyes, some even had given suggestive smiles at one another. Castiel, on the other hand, had his head tucked away in his arms on the desk, his mind was in a totally different universe.  
  
"So everyone be nice and welcoming to your new classmate, Dean Winchester!" Castiel could hear more footsteps, and now gasps from his classmates.   
  
"He's _so_ cute!" One of the girls said, she than panicked, and covered her mouth with her hand. Everyone shook their heads in agreement. Ms. Mills sighed and gave the girl a stern look.  
  
"Take a seat anywhere you'd like Mr. Winchester." Ms. Mills said giving Dean a reassuring smile.  
  
Okay. Now Castiel was curious. Why was everyone so excited over a damn new kid? Castiel peaked up through his arm barrier. His shoulders tensed up, and Castiel looked at the new student with wide eyes, _again._ It was the boy from the library, and he was walking down the aisle of desks. There were two rows of desks, and the tables were in doubles, for two students at each. Most of the girls were offering up the seats next to them for Dean, winking at him, asking him to sit next them. _Desperation,_ Castiel thought self-indulgently, smiling to himself. Dean caught Castiel's smile, and of course, smiled right back, making his way towards Castiel's empty seat. Castiel's heart skipped a beat.  
  
_Oh no._ He shoved his face back in his arms.  
  
_This can't be happening._  
_This can't be happening._  
  
Castiel slightly pinched himself, trying to wake himself up from this soon-to-be awkward nightmare. He looked up once more, hoping Dean wasn't there, but oh he was, and he was now sitting right next to Castiel with a shit-eating grin on his face. Castiel shoved his face back in to his arms, trying to hide his blush. He could feel the envious stares he was getting from all of his classmates. Dean cleared his throat, making Castiel jump.  
  
Dean chuckled and whispered, "Hey to you too, blue eyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doubt playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6kodOsOJkI-npe3hQp62vAi4LmxjjOGl


	2. Help Me

Castiel's face was still nuzzled in his arms, trying to avoid the staring his was not only getting from Dean, but practically everyone else.

Ms. Mills started teaching immediately when Dean sat down, and class had been going on for about thirty minutes when Castiel felt something jab at his side. He jerked up at the feeling, accidentally making eye contact with Dean, who had his finger pointed towards Castiel, threatening to poke him again.

Castiel sighed, _goddammit._  

"You can't avoid me forever, cutie." Castiel bit his lip, another damn nickname. Castiel was used to name calling, but they were always insults, but with this guy...

"Ahem," Dean waved his hand in front of Castiel's face, cutting him off from his thoughts "As much as I love your staring, I need help." Dean said with a smile, showing his pearly white teeth.

Ms. Mills was done talking and told the students to work on the math problems, but Castiel was so lost in thought he didn't even notice.  
  
"Please?" Dean said, licking his bottom lip once again.  
  
Castiel couldn't help but stare at his lips. He shook his head up and down, still staring at Dean's lips, which immediately turned to a big grin. Castiel looked at the ground, and started playing with his thumbs that were in his lap.   
  
"This one," Dean pointed at his paper, "Number seven." Castiel could still feel Dean's smile, why was he always smiling?  
  
He finally looked up, it was an easy question. If this guy is so smart to get in AP classes why was this so hard for him, this was required to even get in these classes, so how? Dean was looking at him eagerly.   
  
"It - it's really easy actually." Castiel stuttered.  
  
"About time I heard that sexy voice again," Castiel looked up at Dean shockingly. "And you finally look me in the eyes?" Dean's smile was ear to ear. "Your eyes are even prettier up close."  
  
Castiel shook his head frantically, he had to just make it to lunch right?  
  
"The answer is number four." Castiel finally muttered, trying not look at Dean _ever_  again.   
  
"I know sweetheart." Said Dean, filling in the circle on his paper.  
  
Castiel suddenly got angry, why was he bothering and pestering him if he already knew the answer?  
  
"Why'd you ask then, huh?" Castiel was biting down on his lip, hoping not to make it bleed _more._  "If you're so smart don't ask for unnecessary help!" Castiel said slamming his hands on the desk.   
  
He just wanted Dean to leave him _alone_. Dean's eyebrows were raised, looking surprised at Castiel's outburst.  
  
Dean exhaled, "I just wanted to hear you talk, blue eyes."  
  
The surprised look was gone on Dean's face, and was replaced with another one of his killer smiles. Castiel relaxed, then realizing what a total dick he sounded like. He began playing with his thumbs again.  
  
"I'm s-sorry." _Oh God great,_ he felt like he was going to break down again. Someone was being nice to him and he had to ruin it like always. Castiel felt tears coming up, _this was it._  
  
"Hey, hey, hey," Dean said taking his sleeve and wiping Castiel's tears "No need to cry now, okay? Thank you for your help, err...?"  
  
Castiel looked up, trying to not panic about the sudden affection, which was hard. "Um, Castiel, it's Castiel."  
  
Dean tilted his head, "Ca-Cas-teil, Casti-el," Dean was looking up, obviously thinking too hard. "That's a tongue twister, huh?" Dean said looking back at Castiel. "Well hello, 'Um Castiel,' I'm Dean Winchester." He said offering his hand to Castiel, which Castiel slowly shook.  
  
"Th-there's no 'um,' it's just Castiel." Dean tilted his head once again, this time realizing Castiel didn't get the joke.  
  
Dean's hand was still gripping Castiel's, and he noted how large Dean's hands were compared to his own hands, they were dry, but also weirdly super soft.   
  
"Hm, how about 'Cas?'" Castiel looked up from their joined hands.  
  
"That okay, cutie?" Cas shook his head to give Dean his answer. "Good." Dean said finally letting go of Cas' hand.  
  
He was momentarily sad because Dean at the lost but he'd never tell Dean that, or _anyone_.  
  
_So maybe Dean is smart, huh, who would've thought?_ Dean's exterior was sort of 'bad boy,' and 'I follow my own rules' kind of guy. He was intimidating, and scary, and the leather jacket and steel toe boots weren't helping.  
  
Dean was now looking down at his work, and not watching Castiel like he had been for the past forty-five minutes. Which Cas kinda missed, if he was honest with himself.  
  
Cas inhaled, _what was going on with me today?_  
  
Cas had his elbow on the table, flicking his pencil irritably on it. That caught Dean's attention to Cas' notebook that lied in front of him. Dean smiled slipping the notebook away from Castiel, making him jump and desperately trying to get it back. But Dean was faster, he was looking at the doodle Cas made earlier.

Dean quirked an eyebrow, when he looked back to Cas, Cas was facing with his back towards Dean, breathing heavily.

Cas was sure he was going to try to run out of the classroom, but knew his legs were going to give out if he did. Plus, where would he go when his bullies were most likely waiting to pounce on him any chance they got. What would Dean say about Castiel's drawing? Would he call him a stalker? Dean isn't stupid and would know that's him in Castiel's notebook.  
  
Castiel was going through all the outcomes in his head when Dean pressed the palm of his hand on Cas' spine, rubbing it down. Cas arched his back, and held in a low moan. He was so lost in the sensation on his back he forgot all about his notebook. Castiel shook his head angrily, trying not to lose himself completely. He than quickly turned around and snatched it from Dean, who made a chuckle in return.  
   
"You draw well," Dean confessed, still cheesing.  
  
Cas had the notebook to his chest, and was looking down.  
  
"I like that drawing a lot, Cas." Dean admitted.  
  
Cas finally looked up with buoyancy, face extremely hot, but he has been like this since Dean _arrived._ Cas looked in Dean's juvenile eyes, that's when Dean winked at him, and Castiel could feel the heat creep on to his neck, and he knew right now he was embarrassingly red.

* * *

"So, now what?" Dean asked as Castiel organized his stuff on his desk.  
  
The bell had just rang for lunch, and Dean has not taken his eyes off Castiel, even when they stopped talking for an hour.   
  
"What do you mean?" Cas said putting his pencil in his pencil case.  
  
"You gonna eat lunch with me?" Castiel paused, Dean obviously noticed his reaction because he abruptly got on one knee in front of Cas.  
  
"Will you join me for lunch," Cas' jaw dropped.  
  
Dean continued: "Prince?" _Is this really happening?_ Cas knew he was getting glares from all of the students still in the classroom.   
  
"D-Dean please." Cas pleaded.  
  
Dean looked up at Cas with a smirk. "Is that a yes?"  
  
Castiel inhaled, "Yeah, mhm, just get up, m'kay?" Cas rushed mistakenly.  
  
Dean finally got up, his tongue lapsed over his top lip. "Anything for you."  
  
Castiel thought he should run, knew he should've ran right there. But Dean would follow, wouldn't he? Where would he even go? His face was scorching and his knees were gonna give out any minute now. This was just too much to handle.   
  
"Why are you shaking Cas?"  
  
Cas hadn't noticed his quivering hands or the fact that he was basically wheezing. Castiel never went to the lunch room, or even left his classroom for lunch, how was he supposed to explain that to Dean? Tell Dean that if he did go to the cafeteria he'd never make it half way. Tell Dean that they'd punish him for even thinking he could have lunch. Tell Dean he was a  _freak._  
  
"Cas, hey, whoa man, are you okay?" Dean grabbed Cas' shoulder, Cas was in a mid-panic attack, his vision was blurry and he couldn't hold his own weight anymore. Luckily, Dean had his hand on Cas' back holding him up. Dean could feel Castiel's heart beating rapidly, and his breathing faltering.  
  
"Look at me," Cas refused and closed his eyes, he was heaving out of his mouth, he was sure he was going to pass out. "It's okay," Dean stated. "It's okay, Castiel."

The classroom was empty now, and echos of Cas' whines were billowing throughout the room.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Dean repeated himself, "I am not. Going to. Hurt you. Castiel." Dean put his hand on Cas' chest. "Breathe and calm down, _please."_

Castiel's breath hitched, and he finally opened his eyes, Dean was holding him in his arms, and was smiling down at Cas.

"Atta boy, much better."

Dean was practically cradling Cas, and Castiel was back to his senses, and could see how weird this could look to someone possibly watching them.

"Um, Dean..." Cas muttered, analyzing the whole situation, Dean gave half a smile.  
  
"What? A knight can't sweep his prince of his feet?" Cas looked away from Dean's vibrant eyes, trying to avoid him altogether.   
  
"Just--" Dean let go of Castiel before he could finish his stammering sentence. Cas straightened himself out, and was going to apologize but Dean spoke up before he could.  
  
"It's okay," Dean blurted, "Here sit down." Dean pulled out a stool at their desk. Cas nodded and sat down hesitantly. Dean leaned over the desk in front of theirs, elbows propping him up.   
  
"I--" Cas said before Dean lifted his hand, telling Cas to stop.   
  
"Look, Cas," He sighed, "Don't explain yourself, and don't you dare apologize."   
  
"But--"  
  
"Nuh-uh," Dean waved a finger at him. "I actually got some explaining to do." Dean said looking around the room. He inhaled and sat down on a stool. Dean just stared at Cas, waiting for the questions that he knew were coming.  
  
"You don't need to explain your panic attack to me, okay?" Dean said to Cas, perking up his eyebrows. Cas tilted his head.  
  
"How did you know I was having a panic attack?" Cas pondered, "Just wondering, it could've been anything Dean."   
  
"Well, that's where I need to explain myself," He sighed, slightly smiling. "My little brother Sammy used to have 'em all the time, and well, you've just looked worried since I've looked at you." Dean lightly laughed.  
  
"So I put two to two, y'know?" Cas frowned, that's not right. Dean wasn't telling the truth.  
  
"No, I don't know, Dean," Cas looked up at Dean, scowling. "Why are you lying to me?" He exclaimed, Dean was hiding something.   
  
"All right, look I know more about you than I led off." Dean wasn't even looking at Cas like he had been earlier while in class.  
  
Cas was taken aback, maybe _Dean_ was the stalker? Who would've thought? Cas would of laughed but knew it'd be bad timing.   
  
"W-what do you mean?" Dean idly rubbed the back of his neck, all his confidence wiped.   
  
"Well, um, I needed to change something in my records," Dean said, biting his lip, "I took the exam to get in this class, and like literally missed one question," Dean sighed. " I sneaked into the office, and changed it so I could get in this class."   
  
"Oh," Cas mumbled, "Why?" Dean ran his fingers through his hair.  
   
"I need to support my little brother, I need to get a higher education, this was the only way." Dean was avoiding Castiel's eyes. "While I was looking at my file, I found yours." Dean paused. "The weird name really stood out." Dean shrugged. Castiel brows were knitted together.  
  
"I was being nosy," Dean finally looked at Cas. "I read it, all of it." Castiel didn't know if he should be disappointed, embarrassed or downright _pissed off._  
  
"Let's just say, you piqued my interest Cas, so what's wrong with me sneaking around a bit, huh?" Dean proposed, making an attempt to make this _horrible_ situation humorous. "I know about your counseling, your panic attacks, your past, your mother...even your father." Cas was basically sucking on his bottom lip.  
  
"What--what gives you the right, Dean?" Cas knew he was about to start crying, he covered his face with both of his hands.   
  
"I know it was wrong, but there's something about you," Dean uttered, trying to justify his snooping.

Castiel thought he finally made a friend at school, or even an acquaintance at least. But now that Dean knew about Cas' problems there was no way in Hell he was gonna befriend him.

"I had no right to go through your stuff, I know that, but you seem so..." Dean trailed off. "Precious, delicate--um--need to be taken care of, if that sounds, right?" Cas looked over he hands, wide eyed. "Cas, you're amazing, and I only know you from what I read," Dean said, "You're smart, kind, and just absolutely beautiful. I want to take care of you."

Dean grabbed Cas' arms, and pulled his hands down from his face. "I want to get to know you, the _real_ you, not some damn school documents..." Cas yanked his arms from Dean.  
  
"What's wrong with you, huh?" Cas yelled. "Are you a stalker, yeah?" Cas' face was red, and tears were falling.  
  
"Stay away from me!" Cas roared running out the classroom, hearing Dean shout back at him.  
  
Castiel was at full speed when he hit a hard stop. He had face planted in to somebody’s chest, Cas looked up at the wall blocking his way. He had tears running down his rouge cheeks, coming from his wide luminous eyes. _This day couldn't get any worse?_  
  
"Hello Cassie, good to see you," It was Alistair.  
  
His main bully, and behind him was three of his goons. Two of them were familiar, but the third one was new to Castiel.  
  
"You're crying but I haven't even seen you all day?" Alistair was wearing a malicious smile.  
  
The smile seem to fade quickly when Alistair looked behind Cas. Suddenly there was an arm wrapped around Castiel's shoulders.   
  
"Hey baby, they bothering you?" _Dean._  
  
Cas flushed, he weirdly and instinctively buried his face into Dean's chest.  
  
They all seemed to tower over Cas, he was so defenseless and he hated it _so much_. Dean's grip on Cas' shoulder tightened.  
  
Alistair looked no different from his friends that stood behind him: like deer-in-headlights. He was slightly whimpering in Dean's chest, Castiel didn't know what he was doing, he felt like he _**hated**_ Dean, but that didn't stop him from wrapping his arms around Dean's waist, inhaling Dean's heavenly smell. He needed some sort of protection, and this was his _only_  choice, he concluded.  
  
"Winchester." Alistair murmured. Cas could feel Dean's chuckle rumble through his chest.   
  
"We got a problem here?" Dean said with a venom-like smug.   
  
"You're hanging with this fag now?" Cas winced at the insult.   
  
Dean inhaled, "That's a new low for you, Al, thought you were better than that,"  
  
Dean's fingers ran through Cas' nest of hair. Cas pushed into Dean's touch, letting his long fingers massage his scalp.  
  
"Who'da thunk, right?" Dean's smile was deadly. "I didn't want my rep to follow me here too, Alistair." He adjured.  
  
Alistair's nostrils flared, he than forced a smile. "Course not Winchester, I mean no trouble." Alistair lied.  
  
Alistair and his friends began to back up, but unexpectedly stop when Dean gestured them to come back with his forefinger, they wavered slightly.  
  
"I got a question for you buddy,"  
  
Alistair furrowed his brow worryingly, he nodded for Dean to continue. Dean grabbed Cas' jaw making Cas face the hoodlums. Alistair was just as confused as Cas was.  
  
"You do this?" Dean was obviously motioning to Cas' scabbed lip and black eye.  
  
The ineptness was gonna swallow Castiel up. Alistair then gulped and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.   
  
"Look, Dea--..."   
  
"Answer the damn question Alistair."  
  
Alistair chortled, covering up his embarrassment. " _Maybe,_ I mean the little shit was asking for it."  
  
Dean squinted at Alistair, his sick smile was now gone, same with his tight grip around Castiel's jaw. Dean let go of Cas' shoulder and was now eye-to-eye with Alistair. Before Cas knew it, Alistair was on his stomach, covering his face. He hit the ground with a loud _oomf._ Dean had just punched Alistair straight in his eye. Cas couldn't believe it, his mouth dropped open, and not surprisingly, Alistair's friends had backed up significantly.   
  
"Dammit Winchester." Al grunted. Dean was leaning over Alistair, demented grin.  
  
"But hey, you were asking for it, _right?_ " Dean looked at Alistair's friends, waiting for something.  
  
_Was Dean just asking for a fight?_  
  
"Nah man." One of them mumbled, arms up defensively. They cowardly ran away.  
  
Cas wanted to just hug Dean, kiss him and thank him (and so many other sinful things)like Dean was his hero and Castiel was the damsel in distress. But in the end, Cas actually considered running away too. Not only was Dean a crazy stalker, but a well known thug, maybe a psycho, and basically a fucking UFC fighter.  
  
_Not today,_ Cas thought, inching away slowly.  
  
"Listen well Alistair," Dean demanded, "I know you may be an idiot, but let's hope you know what a warning is, eh?"  
  
Dean was crouched down now. Cas couldn't believe the smooth-talking model he had meant earlier was now a careless brute.  
  
"You will not touch Castiel ever again, do I make myself clear?" Dean said, voice low and deep. "Not you, not your hood-rats..." Dean was examining Alistair as he lied on the cold corridor floor, listening to Dean's grating tone. Dean scoffed, "Hell, even think about him and I might have to beat your ass."  
  
Cas had noticed how Alistair's eye was now swollen and a bright purple. Dean obviously had influence on Alistair, his friends, and about everyone else.  
  
_What was this guy? Was he in the mafia? Some famous gang?_ Cas eyes widened at the thought. That's was the last thing Castiel needed.  
  
Dean stood back up, putting his hands in his wore-down leather jacket. Dean raised his foot, _he was just going to pull this out wasn't he?_  Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder.  
  
"Um, that's enough, Dean, please." Dean tensed up and gave Cas a side glance.  
  
As much as he wanted to get them back, he just couldn't. Castiel will _never_ be like his bullies.  
  
"Whatever you want." Dean's lips curled in to a smile.  
  
Castiel's grip on Dean tightened, he grabbed his arm and began pulling Dean down the hall. There had to be spectators hiding in fear, because the hallway was basically empty, which wasn't right at all. Cas found a secluded area in the gym, somewhat behind the bleachers. He let go of Dean and immediately pinched the bridge of his nose.   
  
"Okay look, I don't know where you are from, but you can't just beat up people for no damn reason, Dean!" Cas said hoarsely. "What was that, huh?!" Dean just stared at Cas stoic as ever.  
  
He than cleared his throat, hellish grin. "I had a reason," Dean assured, "You."  
  
Cas was now the one staring, noticing little things now. How Dean excessively licks his lips with his thick pink tongue, his tan and clear skin, his mossy eyes that had sprinkles of gold in them, his sharp jawline. Cas just wanted to count his freckles, find where else Dean had them hidden.   
  
"I don't need your protection Dean," Cas choked out. He was now looking at his shoes, fidgeting.  
  
God--but he _did_ want Dean's protection, his lumbering closeness, his friendship.  _Everything Dean could offer._ But they were practically strangers and Castiel was sure he'd scare Dean away. Just like everyone else.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I gotta go." Cas was rubbing his arm anxiously.  
  
He quickly, and awkwardly, walked to the nearest exit in the gym. He pulled out his keys, virtually running around the corner to his car. He was sure Dean would follow, but when he looked out the back window there was nothing but the long stretch of urban block. He did _hope_ Dean would follow, begging Cas to stay, imploring that he wanted to know more about Cas, and Cas get to know him. He thought Dean would, but it was useless, because Dean did not chase after Cas like he hoped. He started the car, speeding away from the curb, he belted home, but the ride to Cas was agonizingly slow.  

* * *

**_'Cause what about, what about angels?_ **   
**_They will come, they will go, make us special..._ **   
  
**_Don't give me up_ **   
**_Don't give...me up_ **


	3. Why?

**> >Radbury221b:** u gotta chill bud

 **< <beestiel63:** I can not "chill" charlie, it is not that simple

Castiel was in bed, erratically typing away on his laptop to his best friend Charlie, well his only friend, that he met online. They've known each other for about three years now, they met in a chat room. They've basically text messaged and Skyped each other everyday. Castiel felt like he could confine himself in to Charlie, she was trustworthy and all out great. Although she was over a thousand miles away, she was the closest thing to a friend Castiel has ever had.

 **> >Radbury221b:** i like the nickname cas, why hadnt i thought of that?

Castiel face palmed, yeah, he loved Charlie but right now she was completely oblivious to what was happening.

 **< <beestiel63:** CHARLIE OMG I am having a crisis! im not asking ur opinion on a silly nickname 

 **> >Radbury221b:** go for it champ, I mean you already went in to vivid detail about what he looks like, so if he is as interested in u as ur making it sound, id hit it (;

Castiel's face was heating up, that's true. He did go in to clear detail about every handsome aspect Dean had. His gorgeous eyes, his sharp jawline, his amber hair. Cas was all but drooling over Dean.

_Ding!_

**> >Radbury221b:** ah, I see

Castiel tilted his head, what did she mean?

**< <beestiel63: **??  
  
**> >Radbury221b:** I looked in to Dean Winchester, he is a god (as you said lmao), too bad he isn't a girl.  
**> >Radbury221b:** he does look like a glorious super-jock, alpha male

She already found Dean's social media? Not surprised, she's Charlie. Then there were repetitive  _dings!,_ Charlie was now sending multiple links.

Cas clicked them all, they all led to Dean's social media. His Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Why not take a peak? Besides Dean practically knew Cas' quote-on-quote "tragic back story," so why can't Cas do a little meddling of his own?

His Facebook seemed popular,  _very_ popular, he had over two thousand friends. Okay, Cas was a bit jealous right there. Yes, because Castiel had _one_ friend and Dean had _so many_ , but the fact that these people knew Dean before Castiel made him pout slightly.  
  
Dean had only three pictures of himself and on them they had over a thousand likes. _Holy shit._ They had tons of comments from women _and_ men, saying some of the craziest things:  
  
_OMFG dean so fucking sexy!  
message me  
text me back  
can I ride you?_  
  
Castiel couldn't help but blush  _hard._ Dean's timeline seemed dull, just people posting statuses about him and tagging him. But nothing _from_ him.  
  
Cas, of course, looked through the pictures, analyzing them. First one seemed rather simple, an upward angle from outside it seemed. Dean wore a gray worn AC/DC shirt, and if Dean wanted Cas to keep breathing correctly he should stop right now. One arm by his side and other holding his device, Cas could see Dean's strong arms, his thick veins popping out, so noticeable and so- _so_ hot. Castiel thought his eyes were pop out his head, he wanted those arms wrapped around him again.

There was another annoying _ding!_  
  
**> >Radbury221b:** did it arrive yet?  
**> >Radbury221b:** i got you some things and it should be there by now

Castiel's lips crooked into a smile. Charlie was always sending gifts to Cas, same with him, made them closer.

He hurriedly got up from his bed and jogged downstairs. He obviously missed the giant beige packaging that sat right in front of his door. He picked it up, putting it under his arm and rushing back up to his room.

**< <beestiel63:** vid call me?  
  
Cas gleamed down at his box, he soon heard the obnoxious, but catchy, Skype call and immediately accepted it, seeing his beautiful redhead friend.   
  
"Well come on, open it!" She demanded, smiling at Cas. He peeled open the packaging. Once the box was open, Castiel gasped. "What ya think?"   
  
"God Charlie, this..." He trailed off...he loved it! He looked back at the screen, she looked at him with confidence in her eyes. Most people wouldn't probably buy this stuff for their friends, but Charlie and Castiel aren't most people.  
  
Inside the large box were little hair clips, with bees on them, like they were meant for a child. He pulled them out and put them on his side, still booming with excitement. Under the clips were thigh highs, black and yellow pattern. He hugged the socks to his chest and squealed childishly.   
  
"Aw, thank you Charlie!"  
  
Charlie was the only person who knew that Cas moderately liked women's clothes. He often thought about being open about it, wearing his collection of dresses and sort in public on occasion, but he rather not give another reason for the harassment.  
  
"There's more hon," She advised, winking.  
  
Castiel shuffled around the tissue paper that was in the box. He finally felt something at the bottom, felt plastic. Castiel's eyes widened when he fished it out of the box.  
  
"Now before you freak out Cas-- I know you haven't been able to get one," She paused looking through the screen enthusiastically. "So I went ahead and got you one."  
  
Cas looked down at the silicone object in his hands. It was a black and yellow patterned dildo. He really wasn't expecting this at all, yes, him and Charlie traded odd things. She'd buy him dresses that he was too shy and closeted to buy where he lived, and he bought her merchandise of the shows and movies she loved that you could only find in Lawrence. But he _never_ expected this. His eyes were still wide as he glared at Charlie.   
  
"Really Charlie?" Cas rolled his eyes.  
  
He quickly glanced back at the dildo, noticing how large it was compared to his fingers. They stared at each other for a while until they both blurted out in laughter. Castiel practically had tears forming, and his gut started to hurt.  
  
When the laughter faded Charlie singsonged, "Now you can prepare yourself for Dean- _o_!"  
  
Cas stilled and reddened. "That - that's never gonna happen Charlie, ga-gosh."  
  
Charlie smirked, "Looking at the fella has me guessing he's got it going on down there," She winked once again. Cas' mouth dropped open, there was a long silence. "Y'know, like he's hung like a horse, he has a large package, well endowed--"  
  
"Okay, okay, okay -- I got it." Castiel assured, cheeks glowing. "Thank you, Charlie."  
  
Castiel had to be honest, he did want one to pleasure himself. He was only seventeen so he wasn't allowed to purchase toys or anything as such. But Charlie on the other hand was twenty-one. Castiel swallowed, he thought this would be more awkward, but it definitely wasn't. He was very excited actually, and she was happy to see a huge smile come across his face.  
  
They continued to talk for sometime, forgetting all about the novelty and Dean. There was a indistinct voice on Charlie's side, she turned around in her desk chair. It was her roommate, Charlie groaned, turning back to Castiel.   
  
"Gotta go man." She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Aw okay, text me?" He suggested.  
  
"Of course," She chirped raising an eyebrow.  "Don't have too much fun now." She added.

Castiel just rolled his eyes dramatically before Charlie waved and he returned the gesture. The call ended and Cas could feel his blush returning while he focused on the dildo on his nightstand.

School should be over now and Castiel's thoughts went back to Dean, _once again_. Now Cas was curious, _did_ Dean have it going on _down south?_  Cas had a comical smile on his burning face, Dean no doubtingly would be proud of it. Castiel gasped, was Dean bigger than his new dildo? He covered his gaping mouth with his hand, his oh-my-gosh was muffled.

Cas giggled and lied back on his bed, although he told Dean to stay away from him, he was eager just to see Dean tomorrow, and hopefully, maybe, _just maybe_ , Dean will try and talk to Cas again.  
  
Castiel was avoiding that sadness that always lurked up on him when he was in a good mood, which he was rarely in. He covered his face in his hands and laughed to himself. Cas could feel the heat radiate off his skin, he had a tight fuzzy feeling in his chest. He really wanted to see Dean, and tomorrow was too far away.

* * *

Castiel arrived at school expecting to be attacked right off the bat, but it was nothing of the sort. All the students were avoiding him, not making eye contact and scurrying away when he came near. Of course they already did that, but they'd usually had something horrible to say, but now _they_ were the ones who ran away in fear. Castiel couldn't help but smile to himself while he was at his locker. That's all he ever wanted: was for people to leave him be.

He really wanted to thank Dean now, Dean's influence frightened everyone. He really just wanted to see Dean anyways. But when he arrived to class, there was no sign of Dean, the bell rang and there was still no sign of Dean. Class went on and he still hadn't showed up.  
  
Lunch: No Dean.  
Last lesson of the day: No Dean.  
  
It went on for the rest of the week. Dean hadn't showed up, it was like he wasn't there in the first place. Castiel was worried and sad, where was Dean? He had thought maybe he had gotten suspended for hitting Alistair, but he also didn't show up the next week, and the next and then the next _month,_ Dean just never came back. Maybe he moved schools, but why would he do that? It had been exactly a month and a day since Dean's first day of school. Castiel must of scared him away...  
  
Naomi had already returned just like she said she would, she announced her arrival at home and went back to her usual eluding.  
  
Each day Castiel continued to anticipate for Dean to return, and each day Castiel continued to scribble in his diary. Sometimes horrible things about Dean, then most times how he missed that one day with Dean. His cocky smile, his leafy eyes, his metallic, leather and whiskey  _smell_. The pages in Castiel's diary were dank and creased from unnecessary tears. Cas had no idea why he felt like this, he had only knew Dean for barely a whole day. Castiel felt warmth with him, felt _wanted._ Yes, the bullying had stopped, it was wonderful. But with that Castiel hoped for friendship or even _more_ with Dean.

* * *

After all hope was gone, Castiel tried to forget about Dean. Ms. Mills even started skipping his name when taking attendance, that made the ache Castiel had worse. He felt ridiculously embarrassed for having a crush on a guy that he told to stay away from him, and that said guy doesn't even show up at school, especially since Castiel had only known him for _a day_.  
  
It was now lunch time and everyone in Castiel's class was making their way to the cafeteria. Cas sat at his desk reading, he had already finished the book he had when he had first met Dean. But he kept it at home, it was extremely overdue and Castiel knew he probably owed the library a couple dollars. But the book was a simple reminder that Dean was, in fact, _there_ and it wasn't some silly hallucination Castiel had.  
  
There was tap on the door and he looked up.  
  
"Cassie," Alistair purred deceitfully, Castiel gulped in response. "You look surprised? Did you think we haven't noticed Winchester's absence?" He sashayed in and was now standing in front on Castiel's desk. "Where is your knight in shining armor now?"  
  
Castiel closed his book shakily, and scooted back in his stool.  
  
"I'm not here to hurt you Cassie, I know Winchester, he'll keep to his promise," He vocalized, "I rather not repeat my last encounter with him." Alistair motioned to his eye that Dean had brutally punched a month ago. "Yes, Dean isn't here, but that asshole is always watching," He breathed. "If I even left a scratch on you, he'd be after my head."  
  
Alistair rolled his eyes. Castiel really wanted to just jump with glee at that thought.  
  
"I'm here for a friend," Alistair shamelessly gawked at Castiel. "He seems to have a little crush on you." Castiel's eyes widened. "He was with me the last time we spoke, you've actually never met him Cassie."  
  
Castiel squinted in confusion, "That new punk that was with you?" Castiel felt bold knowing Dean was prudently protecting him.  
  
"I guess you could say that," Alistair growled. "His name's Crowley, he'd like to take you out." Cas slightly jerked, he never knew how Alistair knew about his sexuality.     
  
"And why's that, huh?" Cas coaxed. "I don't trust you Alistair nor your goons."  
  
Alistair inhaled, obviously holding back the urge to attack Castiel.  
  
Cas continued, "Also, I don't think Dean would appreciate me hanging around you, especially dating one of you." He said coolly.  
  
He got up and deeply inhaled, exiting his classroom. He wasn't going to the cafeteria but he was not going to stay there any longer.  
  
He made a few turns trying to clear his mind, all he felt that he needed to worry about was Dean. Castiel ' _Dean thoughts,'_ he called them, were cut off when he heard an excessive amount of giggles, he peered around the corner.  
  
Castiel wasn't prepared for what he was seeing.  
  
There was a redheaded girl leaning against lockers and twiddling her hair between her fingers, being flirtatious. There with her, in his full glory, was  _ **Dean,**_ all in her space smirking and making suggestive looks most likely making corny innuendos. Castiel eyes were dilated, he could feel tears pricking. His knees were practically clattering together, ready to give out. Dean than lifted his hand behind her head, massaging her scalp slowly, playing with her flaming locks.  
  
Like how he had done to Castiel a month ago.  
  
"Out with the old and in with the new, huh?" He cried, "Un-understandable, okay, yeah."  
  
Cas couldn't bare looking at the betrayal any longer. He swiftly turned, and to Castiel's luck, he slipped. He landed on his stomach, having his jaw hit the floor, busting his lip open. Cas hurriedly grab his throbbing jaw, he didn't realize the loud sob he had let out.  
  
"Cas?" he hesitantly looked over his shoulder, seeing Dean hover over him with that girl on his arm. Castiel's anger started to boil. "Hey, you okay man?"  
  
He let out a huff, "I'm just fucking-fine," Dean put out his hand, offering to help Castiel. Cas just scowled at the handsome man above him. "Don't." He fretted, standing up.  
  
"Your lip--" Dean started, inching towards Castiel but stopped when Cas made a noticeably huge step back. "You should see a nurse, Cas." Castiel took the sleeve of his coal sweater and wiped his bloody swollen lip.  
  
"I'm fine, you can go back to whatever you were doing." He snarled.  
  
The redhead started rubbing circles on Dean's chest, which Cas now noticed was missing a leather jacket. Dean was wearing a red pullover, under was a black t-shirt, bounded enough to see Dean's tight stomach. Castiel was half tempted to spit in the bitch's face and possessively shout ' _mine!'_  at the wench. But Cas couldn't do that, for Dean wasn't his, and most likely will never be _his._ And that was delusional.   
  
"C'mon Dean," The girl gushed seductively.  
  
"Hold on Anna," Dean said.  
  
_Anna,_ the bimbo's name was Anna. He's heard of that name around the school, a lot, most likely more than the whore could count.  
  
"Harlot."  Cas coughed, Anna's eyes were going to explode.  
  
Anna shouted, "What did you say to me, faggot?"  
  
Castiel rolled his eyes, she probably had no idea what that even meant, her ignorance was obvious. He also had no more patience for that overused insult _or_ this _girl._    
  
"Nothing you imp," He dared, "You wouldn't understand if it slapped you in the face, you bitch!" Anna gasped, completely offended.  
  
"Whoa!" Dean croaked, trying to stop the space between the two from getting any smaller. "What has gotten into you Cas?"  
  
"Me? Really? _Me?_ " Cas asked numbly.  
  
"Are you just gonna let this little tool talk to me like that, Dean?" Exclaimed Anna.  
  
Dean ignored her, promptly yanking Castiel out of earshot of Anna. "Are you okay? You're crying. Was it Alistair? I swear to God if it was--"  
  
"No Dean!" Cas snapped his arm from Dean's firm grip. "Don't act like you fucking care, asshole!"  
  
"Cas..." Dean murmured, leaning towards Castiel once again.  
  
"N-no, don't touch me, don't speak me, don't look at me, just--just don't!" Cas rushed, tears pouring down his puffy cheeks. "You're a liar! I fucking hate you!"  
  
Once those four words rolled off his tongue, Castiel soon regretted it. The hurt expression on Dean's face was unexpected, his mouth was slightly parted until it suddenly slammed shut. Castiel could see how Dean's jaw clenched and how the marred look was quickly wiped clean and replaced with an angry one. Castiel shuddered, the look Dean was giving him was absolutely  _terrifying._    
  
"Yeah, all right," Dean backed up and put his hands in his front pockets. "You be like that Castiel. You're being fucking foolish." _Castiel._ He called him by his full name. "Have it your way, man." Dean mused with a light chuckle.  
  
He gestured for Anna to come over, and he wrapped his long arms around her. She smirked--like the evil witch she is--and cuddled into Dean's broad chest. Dean saluted Castiel goodbye with his breathtaking smile and walked away.  
  
Cas fell against the wall and slid down to the foyer floor, he buried his face into his knees. Dean had laughed at him like he was some joke, he walked away like nothing had happened at all between them.  
  
Castiel had _waited_ for him, he _missed_ Dean.  
  
Castiel was a fool.  
  
A fool for thinking Dean was different.  
  
A fool for having these lament and quickly evolved feelings for Dean Winchester.

* * *

**_Feeling used_ **   
**_But I'm_ **   
**_Still missing you_ **   
**_And I can't_ **   
**_See the end of this_ **   
**_Just wanna feel your kiss_ **   
**_Against my lips_ **   
**_And now all this time_ **   
**_Is passing by_ **   
**_But I still can't seem to tell you why_ **

**_It hurts me every time I see you_ **   
**_Realize how much I need you_ **


	4. I Give Up

_**So I'll reclaim my body and my soul** _

_**Banish the broken from my bones** _

_**You're no longer my religion** _

_**So I take on a whole new energy** _

_**Manifest a better part of me** _

_**Gotta rid you from my system** _

  ** _It'_ ** _**s time for an exorcism**_

* * *

 

"Where is it?" Castiel babbled to himself, shuffling through his desk drawer.

He was a blubbering mess after what happened not even ten minutes ago. Once Dean sauntered out with that tramp Cas expeditiously drove home, surprised that he hadn't got pulled over for undeniably speeding.

He was now looking for something very specific in his drawer. Once he felt the cool metal on his calloused finger tips he snatched it out, feeling slightly relieved.

Castiel sat at the end of his bed, fidgeting with the tiny piece of metal.

He hasn't used this razor in a while; he thought he didn't need it anymore. But he was wrong, because if he didn't need it he would've thrown it away long ago.  
  
Cas slightly grazed his wrist, not breaking skin, but enough to make him jerk from the sudden coolness. Castiel was having second thoughts; he was doing this over _boy,_ which he knew was extremely silly and feeble minded. But it hurt, he felt like his heart spiraled into a deep dark abyss, he is feeling shame and confusion, he's had his security snatched from him and he doesn't know rather to hate Dean, or _himself._  
  
He had waited for Dean, he couldn't wait to see the other. But their reunion was terrible, and should have been expected...  
  
Castiel goggled at his wrist, feeling embarrassment of the streaks of scars that had healed but are still eye-catching.  
  
Maybe this time he'll make them vertical, horizontally heals easily after some time. But vertically he knew it'd be further life threatening.  
  
He lifted the razor when his ministrations were interrupted.   
  
"Castiel," Cooed Naomi through his locked door, "Someone's here for you."  
  
Cas had thought when he heard her voice that maybe his mother heard him storm home, uncontrollably sobbing making his way to his room. Maybe she was worried about Castiel, but that thought was quickly erased when he realized that his mother _was Naomi_ and he freakishly had someone waiting for him.  
  
Maybe it was Dean. Dean had virtually known everything about Castiel, so he most likely knew his address.  
  
Cas inhaled, heart hammering, vision blurry, and put the razor on his desk for later use.  
  
He unlocked the door to find his mother there in her usual get up, and her hands on her hips. "Now Castiel, if you want to skip school like some hooligan fine, but you should be studying, not inviting some ruffian over." She complained.  
  
Cas was in no mood right now to deal with his mother. He rolled his eyes, making sure she noticed, passing her and purposely pushing his shoulder into her. When he reached the end of the stairs, he was counting on a tall blonde with angelic green eyes.  
  
But what he was met with was a short butterball, he looked as if he had just hopped out of the film  _Grease_. It was Alistair's new thug.  
  
"Crowley," He said extending out his hand. The shabby boy had an English accent, his debonair was already annoying Castiel.  
  
"What do you want?" Castiel demanded, ignoring Crowley's hand.  
  
Crowley just snickered, "Angel's got spunk, nice." Castiel groaned. "You know why I am here; I'd like to take you out."  
  
Crowley was too confident for his own good.  
  
Before Castiel could evidently reject Crowley, he had an idea.  
  
Dean was hanging out with that redheaded broad so why can't Castiel have some fun of his own?  
  
Dean made sure that Alistair and his gang wouldn't bully Castiel anymore but what could Dean do if he deliberately hung around them?  
  
He wanted to _hurt_ Dean.   
  
"Okay," He decided, "Pick me up at seven."  
  
Crowley stood up on his heels and smirked, "Will do angel."  
  
Castiel cringed at the pet name, **_Dean's_** pet name.

* * *

This really wasn't what Castiel was expecting for a first date. A night club, really?  
  
The thing that bothers Castiel the most was the fact that they got in so easily. The bouncers didn't even give Crowley a second glance when they came to the entrance.  
  
They had a private room upstairs, Castiel was obviously uncomfortable.   
  
"Drink, angel?" Crowley asked with a childish smile.  
  
There was a long leather couch taking up the small luxurious room. Even though the couch was large enough for more than two people, Crowley was practically sitting on Castiel's lap.  
  
"U-uh, no--no," choked Cas.  
  
"Don't be shy now, darling." Crowley put his arm around Castiel's lanky shoulders.  
  
Castiel shuddered, and gritted his teeth. Crowley smelled musty, it was very unappealing, he missed Dean's smell more than he should right now. Crowley noticed Castiel's expressionless face, how he stared at nothing.  
  
"I'm sorry for picking you up very late, angel," Crowley chimed, "But why would I pick you up at seven for a club, am I right?" Crowley laughed and sipped at his fruity drink. It was ten o'clock exactly when Castiel had to bitterly sneak out the front door.  
  
"Please don't call me that," Castiel commented, looking down at his lap. Crowley's grip on his shoulder got achingly tight  
  
"Maybe 'Cas' then?" Crowley questioned looking at Castiel who was stiffly avoiding eye contact. "Or 'blue eyes,' hm, I can think of tons of nicknames, Castiel." Crowley was clearly taunting Castiel, who had wide eyes.  
  
How did Crowley know what Dean had called him?  
  
"Please no." Castiel muttered.  
  
"Now I don't think that's quite fair, Cas." Crowley buzzed, "If _Squirrel_ can call you those silly pet names, I should too."  
  
'Squirrel,' must be his Dean.  
  
No.  
  
_Anna's_ Dean.  
  
"What a shame though," Crowley exhaled, "He sure as Hell doesn't want you."  
  
Castiel swallowed hard, he knew it was true but it hurt far worse aloud.  
  
"But don't worry; I will take care of you."  
  
Castiel didn't think Crowley could get any closer, but it is Castiel _vs._ _the world._  
  
"I wouldn't worry about it, they come and go, and Anna _definitely_ isn't permanent, they never are with Dean."  
  
Crowley chugged down the rest of his alcohol.  
  
"Plus you got me now," Crowley suddenly put his hand on Castiel's thigh, "You shouldn't worry about Winchester," He claimed, "He's not a good influence angel."  
  
Castiel scoffed, "And you are?"  
  
Crowley hummed, "Mm, I'm no saint myself, but the Winchesters..." Crowley trailed off; being hesitant, "You wouldn't want to get on their bad side."  
  
Castiel was feeling brave, "You got balls then," Cas said rudely finally looking up, "Didn't you hear Dean's threat to Alistair?"  
  
Crowley sneered, "Yes, but I also saw what happen earlier today in the corridor," He continued, "Winchester doesn't want you angel."  
  
Crowley's hand started to make circles on Cas' thighs. "But I, on the other hand, _do_."  
  
Castiel swore he was going to have a cringe-attack. Crowley was vile, but he really wanted Dean to feel the same pain he felt earlier at school. Castiel grabbed Crowley's hand a squeezed it tight, playing along.  
  
"Not tonight," He stood up, trying to look seductive, "Never on the first date, hon." He compelled a smile.  
  
"Very enticing, Cas." Crowley returned a debased smile.  
  
"Take me home? S'tired." He lied, Crowley wrapped his arm around him once again.  
  
"Of course."  
  
They weren't even there twenty minutes but Castiel was sure he was going to throw up if he stayed any longer.  
  
Once in front of his house he had to play the whole hard-to-get thing to avoid a kiss.  
  
Cas was so glad to be home and away from that walking disaster.  
  
His phone buzzed in his back pocket, it was Charlie, once _again._ He had kept her updated on Dean's “disappearance,” but hadn't texted her all day, like he usually does. She had sent multiple messages asking why he hasn't responded because she knows he has his phone on him all the time. But Castiel knew she'd be disappointed, not only at Dean but Castiel for going out with Crowley. He didn't want that right now, so he ignored the message once again and put his phone on silent. She'd be calling him soon, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to even utter a word.  
  
Castiel was in an pure shock about what he had just done and what he just got himself in to.

* * *

It had been two weeks since the date with Crowley and _God_ did Castiel regret it more and more each day.  
  
Crowley wouldn't leave him alone, at all. Not only was he annoying and followed Castiel everywhere, but he was always trying to wiggle his way into Castiel's pants. Cas was without a doubt a virgin, and he was not trying to give it away to that asscrack Crowley.  
  
The thought of it makes Castiel gag.  
  
Although Crowley makes Castiel sick to his stomach, he notices the faint looks Dean give him when he is with Crowley, which is most of the day. Cas _loves_  it, actually that is an _understatement._ Castiel could feel Dean's jealous glares, the way anger practically emanated off of Dean. Castiel was so bubbly about it; he hated dragging out the relationship with Crowley, but loved Dean's resentfulness.  
  
As of right now, Castiel was in his classroom reading a book, it was just him like always. It was lunchtime and Castiel tried his best to hide from Crowley.    
  
Castiel looked down at his hands gripping the book, then down to his sleeved-covered wrist...There was no bullying, no harming himself, and _no Dean_. He should be proud of himself for not falling under temptation and cutting himself, but Cas still felt empty and dull, there was just  _no winning._  
  
He was hoping by now Dean would've kicked Crowley's runt ass. But of course not, Dean avoided Castiel like _the plague_. If Castiel was walking down the hall with or without Crowley, Dean would dart off in the other direction. Castiel wasn't expecting that at all, he was _Dean fucking Winchester_.  
  
The more Cas ran into Dean the more he noticed Crowley was right. Women came and went like moths with Dean. Castiel thought he couldn't hate so many people, but he was wrong when he'd catch Dean with girls, kissing them and hugging them. Castiel felt like a friggin' school girl, he wanted to maim the different girls Dean had every couple days. Wanted to drag them by their long hair and stomp on them, telling them who Dean belongs to. Those thoughts were frivolous and very _demented,_ Dean would never be his.  
  
Castiel's train of thought crashed when an exasperated voice spoke: "Darlin'," Cas looked up to find Crowley sitting next to him "Are you going to sit here all break?"  
  
Castiel groaned, "Crowley, you know I don't eat here." Informed Cas.  
  
"Well, you're boney."   
  
"Is that a problem? If it is we can end this if you'd like?" Crowley laughed at Cas' insistence. He grabbed Cas' hand, stroking it.  
  
"Of course not, angel, just worried about your well being." Castiel rolled his eyes, _as if_ Crowley cared about his health.  
  
"Right." He said bitingly.  
  
Crowley wasn't wrong though, Castiel hasn't eaten much at all lately. Maybe because he wasn't _(ever)_ hungry, _or_ maybe it was because all of Dean's girls were skinny and petite, one of the two were a lie. Castiel slammed shut his book and snatched his hand from Crowley. Crowley's hand was soon on his thigh, he had a predatory look in his eyes.  
  
"My patience is growing thin," Castiel quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"Is it now?" He mocked.  
  
"Yes angel." Crowley responded stupidly.  
  
"It's been, what, two weeks? As if I'd let you see me topless let alone full on naked." Castiel replied, glaring at Crowley's stubby fingers in disgust.  
  
Crowley sighed and smiled at Castiel wickedly, he started making way to the exit.  
  
"Wait and see Castiel," He sang, "You willingly give yourself to me." Crowley paused, giving Cas a pitying look. "Or I forcibly take you."  
  
Crowley parted with a petty wave and a baneful smirk. Leaving Castiel wide eyed and questioning that threat, Castiel whimpered and bit his lip; he needed to end this immediately.

* * *

Castiel groaned putting his finger tips to his temple, the constant bump of the music was agonizing. He had texted Crowley asking to meet him; he was going to end it quick and easy. But Crowley knew exactly what Castiel was doing, so Crowley offered to take him out one more time. He was going to refuse, of course, but maybe Crowley would take him out to dinner _or_ an actual date. Maybe try to make up for what was lost. But obviously Castiel was wrong as he sat in a VIP booth at a club called _Purgatory._ Well he thinks that's the name, as he palms his eyes with both hands.  
  
"Are you okay, angel?" Castiel mumbled an incoherent response, he was so tired of that nickname coming from Crowley's mangy mouth "Ang--"  
  
"Shaddup, gaawwd." Castiel dibbled, leaning back on the leather seat. Crowley cackled wrapping his arm around Castiel.  
  
"Haf to go," Cas rambled, drifting away from Crowley.  
  
"Ah, ah, ah," Crowley pulled Castiel back, Castiel felt weak under him, his movements were slow, he snorted.  
  
Cas wasn't stupid. He felt drowsy, he could barely speak and he was nausea. "What-what did you put in my drink, fucker?"  
  
Crowley laughed once again, this time maniacally. "Well you weren't drinking alcohol, so I dropped a little something in your water," Crowley drawled. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you dear."  
  
Castiel whined as the arm wrapped around his shoulder lifted his polo. Crowley's hand was brushing across his chest, conscientiously rubbing.   
  
"Sto-stop," Voiced Cas, his vision was evidently filmy.  
  
Crowley snickered letting his hand travel to Castiel's groin.  
  
"N-no, no, no." Castiel echoed, pushing away from the pudgy man. He jerked away from him, and heaved over the couch, bountifully barfing. Castiel was sure he just threw up his intestines; he sat back down and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.   
  
"Well that's a turn off," grimaced Crowley, "Good thing for you, that won't completely kill the mood." Castiel was trembling; he stood up too fast, causing him to crash back down on the galling couch. He attempted to again, finally succeeding, uncontrollably shaking.  
  
Cas jeered, "I'm--I'm leaving, don't--don't--do not follow."  
  
He leisurely made his way through the dance floor; the thumping of the music virtually copied the roaring bang in his head. Castiel gripped his hair and grated his teeth, clenching his eyes shut tight.  
  
He hadn't realized he had finally made it outside until he felt the cold night air rush against him. He needed a cab, but before he could make his to the curb he was now wheezing in an ally way. He hurled and sniveled.  
  
"Jeez angel, it must of really got to you." Castiel turned around to find Crowley there with a pleased expression."Good." Crowley plodded over to Cas.  
  
"Go away..." He ordered, shaking his head back and forth gruelingly sloth-like.  
  
Crowley's hand returned under Castiel's shirt, intently kneading Cas' chest. Crowley buried his face into his neck, with a gratified hum. Castiel said something indistinct...  
  
"What is it?" Crowley asked with an apathetic tone.  
  
Castiel repeated himself, "D-Dean..." He stuttered, "Dean...Dean..." Crowley gave a crossed look, stopping his persistence and looked Castiel in the eyes.  
  
"Really now?" The sappy look Crowley usually wore was gone. Crowley was enraged, he scoffed still bearing a fake smile.  
  
"You still want Winchester." Crowley wasn't asking a question, he already knew.  
  
Tears were rushing down Castiel's face; he wanted Dean to _save_ him.  
  
"You know angel, I thought I wasn't the type of guy who would say something like, well 'if I can't have him, no one can,'" Crowley laughed wholeheartedly, "I guess it's not totally true, because Castiel," Crowley eased in, right next to the shell of Cas' ear "If I can't have you, no one can!"  
  
Crowley grabbed Castiel's throat and violently shook him, all Castiel could do was desperately grip Crowley's jacket and hysterically scream.  His skull pounded mercilessly against the brick wall, his sight splotched multiple colors until all he could see was sheer white. 

 


	5. Lies

**_Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **  
**_I'll be the one, if you want me to_ **  
**_Anywhere, I would've followed you_ **

**_Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **

* * *

 

"I don't understand." Naomi sniffled.

"Ms. Novak," The doctor spoke, "Your son has had a traumatic brain injury; the severity has caused him to be in a coma." The doctor looked down at Castiel in the bed. "He has taken multiple blows to the head."

"How--how long will this last?" Uttered Naomi.

"Could last for a couple days, weeks, months..." The doctor hesitated, "Years even, Ms. Novak.”

Naomi broke down, burying her face into her hands.

“She muttered, My sweet Castiel.”  
  
The doctor continued, “You’re son must have angels watching over him,” He gave Naomi a hopeful look, “Including the blows to the head, he was also brutally stabbed, and kicked numerous times in his ribs. Whoever did this wanted Castiel _dead_ Ms. Novak and they failed.”  
  
Naomi tried to force a smile, but faltered, her son was still in a coma.  
  
“Why would anyone want to do this?” She asked when there was knock at door, she looked up quickly.  
  
“Ms. Novak, LKPD,” The officer spoke hurriedly, “We’re going to find whoever did this, and put them away for a long time.” He promised.  
  
He started the follow up questions, repeatedly asking who would do this.  
  
Naomi snapped, “No one would do this!” She inhaled. “He is a sweet boy! We have a good life, he has no enemies, he’s great in school—and—and--“  
  
“How much do you really know about your son, Ms. Novak?”  
  
Naomi quavered and lied, “Ev-everything, he hides nothing from me.”  
  
The officer squinted at her suspiciously, "Well that’s not true,” the officer went to Castiel in his hospital bed and grabbed the boy's wrist "The doctor noticed these, have you?”  
  
He lifted Castiel’s wrist, showing his scars. “These are signs of depression, Ms. Novak, leading cause to suicide. Did you know that?” Naomi was silent, the officer noticed her speechlessness. “There’s obviously things you don’t know about your son,” The officer tilted his head, “Or did, but never spoke up.”  
  
Naomi looked appalled, “What are you trying to say, officer?”  
  
“Nothing at all Ms. Novak.” The man sighed.  
  
“Can’t you go through his phone?” She countered.  
  
“It’s not on the crime scene, or at your home,” He inhaled, “We even tried to GPS track it, but they took all the precautions to not get caught.”  
  
Naomi wept and rushed out the room; she knew about the bullying but tried to reassure herself that work had preoccupied her.  
  
Naomi didn’t want to be in the  ** _wrong._**

* * *

“Hey angel,” Castiel heard a rough voice, “I’m gonna have to make this quick, I’m not supposed to be here.”  
  
_Dean?_  
  
“God, I miss your eyes,” Dean’s voice was wavering.  
  
_Is he crying?_  
  
Dean intertwined his fingers with Castiel’s; he winced when Castiel’s hand did not grip back. Cas could here Dean’s breathing snag; he inhaled and clutched Cas’ hand harder.  
  
“I hope you can hear me, bluebird,” Dean buried his face in his other hand, “I may not get to see you again.”  
  
_What?_  
  
“Whoever did this…they’re going to regret it.” Dean paused, looking at Cas’ unconscious body. “I’m going to rip apart everything and everyone they ever loved.” He gripped Castiel’s hand painfully hard “They’re going to feel the pain I feel now; they’re going to beg for mercy, Castiel.”  
  
Dean stood up from the stool by Cas’ bed, and kissed his forehead. “I promise you that.”  
  
_Please no, Dean._  
  
“You must be Dean,” Dean swung around to find a woman with short red hair, holding many gift bags.  
  
“I’m--I’m sorry, I know I--I shouldn’t be here.”  
  
The girl smiled and closed the door, “Me either.”  
  
Dean was befuddled, “Huh?”  
  
The woman put down the bags and pulled out black and yellow patterned socks, she removed Castiel’s blanket and replaced the hospital socks with the thick, bee-like socks.  
  
“Who are you?”  
  
She smiled once again, "Much better." She lightly tapped his legs, she covered Cas’ again and tucked him in.  
  
“Of course Naomi isn’t here,” She noted putting a lost strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m Charlie, Castiel’s, like, _best_ friend,” She offered her hand.

Dean ignored it. “Then why aren’t you supposed to be here?”  
  
She laughed,“We met online and, well, Naomi put  _no one,_  on Castiel’s visitor list. So kinda hacked the system, added myself…” She smirked. “And a certain Dean Winchester.”  
  
“Hacked? How do you know me? How--“   
  
“Shush,” She cut Dean off.  “Do you mean it?” Her pretty smile faded, she looked down at Castiel with all sincerity. “Get whoever did this, punish them?”  
  
Dean was taken aback, and cleared his throat, “That’s the plan…” He was hesitant, he shouldn’t be telling her this.  
  
“I’ll help you!” Piped Charlie, Dean’s eyes widened.  
  
“Oh no, nope, no.” He said with stern look. Charlie glared back at him.  
  
“Look, I have an idea who did this, and if I’m correct, they won’t get caught.” Dean palmed his eyes, “The police can’t get ‘em, I can.”  
  
“If you know who it is why not tell the police?”  
  
Dean rolled his eyes, “This was a long time comin’, I warned them—I did, I’m not bargaining anymore. They’re going to get what’s coming—I don’t need some girl taggin’ along and getting herself into something she knows nothing about.”   
  
Charlie scoffed, “Is this what Castiel would want?”  
  
_No, Dean, I don’t want this._  
  
The question slapped Dean in the face.  
  
Sweet, _innocent,_ Castiel would not want this, and Dean knew that. But he wasn’t going to let the bastards who did this simply get away with it.  
  
“No…” He grumbled, it was Charlie’s turn to roll her eyes. She looked down at Castiel, brushing his bangs back, which were plastered to his fevered forehead.  
  
“Look, I  _can_  help,” She drawled, “Whatever you’re gonna do, it’s going to  _hurt them,_  and you’ll soon be wanted by the cops too.” She noticed how Dean shifted his eyes. “Did you consider that?” Dean groaned, nodding no slowly. “I can lead them away from you, maybe to somebody who deserves to be in prison.”  
  
Dean scoffed, indolently rubbing his jaw. “M’gonna need to be locked up after what I’m going do to them, sweetheart.”  
  
She inhaled, smirking, “Understandable Deanie, it’ll be easy to get the man off your back.”   
  
Dean corrosively laughed, “’The man?’”  
  
“Hell yeah. Look, you don’t have to like me, you could downright hate me, but you mean good, and whoever did this needs to get a beatin’.”  
  
The both stared down at Castiel’s still body. Charlie didn’t like Dean’s uncertainty, this wasn’t like the Dean she heard Cas brag about.  
  
“You’re going to want to see him, Dean. You being in some half-assed prison isn’t going to feed that  _want.”_    
  
Dean swallowed, he had nothing to lose. He practically had the things he adored and loved snatched from him. “Fine.”  
  
They shook hands as if they were making a business deal, for Dean it was just that.  
  
He means  _business._  

* * *

 

**_If I had only felt the warmth within your touch_ **   
**_If I had only seen how you smile when you blush_ **   
**_Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough_ **   
**_Well I would have known_ **   
**_What I was living for all along_ **

**_What I’ve been living for_ **


	6. Strange One

**_"Boys don't play with Barbies," Castiel looked up to find a boy with dirty blonde hair staring down at him. "Those are girl toys, are you a girl?" The freckled-face boy asked._ **

**_Castiel looked up and down the street, where had this stranger come from?_ **

**_Castiel had been sitting in his front yard, playing with his Barbie, his favorite Barbie._ **

**_Blonde hair in a ponytail, black heels, and a pink floral dress. He looked down at his Barbie, blushing slightly._ **

**" _No, but I love my Barbie." The boy sat down cross-legged in front of Castiel._**

_**"You're weird, don't you like G.I Joe? Or Transformers?" The boy lightened up with a huge smirk when he mentioned the toys.** _

_**"No." Castiel stated simply, fidgeting with his Barbie's dress.** _

" **Why?" The kid asked, brow furrowed.**

_**The boy was the weird one, asking so many questions.** _

_**Castiel saw it that since he was seven he could play with toys, and it didn't matter what kind of toys.** _

_**Castiel inhaled, "She can be anything she wants. A doctor one day, an astronaut the next. Isn't that amazing?" Castiel smiled to himself as he brushed her ponytail with a tiny brush.**_  
  
_**The stranger was looking up, thinking way too hard. Castiel knew he was obviously smarter than the young boy in front of him.**_  
  
_**"Huh."**_  
  
_**"Wouldn't you want an adventure?" Castiel said with a toothy grin. "They'd be new every day; life would be so much fun." The kid titled his head at that.**_  
  
_**"Isn't it now though?" Castiel looked up hesitantly, and glanced back at his house.**_  
  
_**"No..."**_  
  
_**The boy smiled carefully, "Well you should make your life an adventure, just like your Barbie's."**_  
  
_**Castiel turned back at the stranger, wide eyed.**_  
  
_**"Don't cha think?"**_  
  
_**Castiel looked over the boy's shoulder, why was this boy so odd?**_  
  
_**"You're kinda a freak." Green-eyes finally blurted.**_  
  
_**Cas looked down at his Barbie, tears forming in his translucent baby-blues.**_  
  
_**"I like it!" The stranger giggled, with his huge smile.**_  
  
_**From there an unexpected friendship formed, which lasted for only** _**_a week. The boy was only visiting family, and had to return home. Castiel was heartbroken; his first friend had left him. He'd never even learned his name, to the boy Cas was "Cassandra" or even "weird-o," even when Castiel corrected Dean with his actual name the boy said it was too much. Castiel asked multiple times for the boy's name, but he said he hated his name and told Castiel he'd "pop his Barbie's head off if he "snooped" or asked again for his name. Castiel wasn't risking his special Barbie, so he didn't push any further, and called the boy,_ well, _"Boy." But soon Castiel moved, and the outlandish boy was forgotten._**

* * *

"Because of what?" Alistair bellowed in the the abandoned warehouse him and Crowley were in.  
  
"I have my reasons..." Crowley gulped, dodging eye contact.  
  
Alistair wanted to rip Crowley apart, "What? Because the queer didn't want you? That's why?"  
   
"What could possibly happen? I have ties, the police won't catch us, the fag got what he deserved for refusing me." Crowley said, finally meeting eyes with Alistair who was lost for words. "What?" Al's eyes were bulging out of his sunken face.  
  
"Did you hear that, man?" Alistair asked, Crowley shook his head. "Run." Alistair summed up quickly.  
  
Crowley tensed up, eyes going wide.  
  
Before Crowley could question Alistair once more, Alistair turned on his heel but was stopped in his soon-to-be speedy tracks.   
  
"Damn, Al, leavin' the party early?"  
  
Dean Winchester. With a wretched smile on his face.  
  
Right then and there Crowley could feel guilt, guilt that has never been there. The guilt he never felt when committing any sort of evil, the guilt he's never experienced along with its best friends remorse and regret. But with those unknown feelings, Crowley felt  _fear._  
  
In Dean's hand was a aluminum bat which he had resting on his shoulder, the man seemed all too comfortable and pleased.  
  
Dean made a aloof shrug of his shoulders, he than tsk'd, "Man I got all dressed up just for you guys to go and try and ditch me."  
  
Dean inhaled dramatically.  
  
Crowley tried to hide his obvious distress, "What do you want Winchester?"  
  
Dean raised his eyebrows, still smiling sadistically. "I should be the one asking you that, pudgy."  
  
Dean was in front of the warehouse door blocking the only exit.  
  
Alistair couldn't breathe, he knew he and Crowley were screwed but Crowley didn't think so, because the idiot forced a manic laugh. Alistair wanted to beat Crowley with that bat, too. Making him shut up and not tempting Dean more--they were already in a shitty situation.  
  
"Do you need something?" Crowley said heavily breathing from his dragged out laugh.  
  
Dean straightened up at that, showing a fully teethed smile, practically snarling. He put the bat's tip down, drawing circles in the dirt-floor.  
  
"I do," Dean said, his adrenaline flowing. "I was thinking maybe a few teeth? What ya think? Or an arm? That'd be a prize winner."  
  
Crowley's smirk was wiped from his face then.  
  
"Something that I can remember this by, like a trophy. Memorable, huh? Also something long lasting for you, like what would life be without an arm?" Dean asked them, clearly not wanting an answer.  
  
"Or without a dick." Dean said plainly.  
  
He than looked Crowley in his ample eyes  
  
"Since you only think with it."  
  
Crowley visibly gulped, fear emitted off a Crowley and Dean laughed.  
  
"Let's get the party started then, eh?"  
  
Alistair walked forward pleading, "Please, Dean, I wasn't involved in this, I promise," Dean quirked an eyebrow, Alistair swallowed what little pride he had left and dropped to his knees "Yeah I'd mess with Cas, but I'd never _murder him_ Dean!" Alistair shook and sweated anxiously.  
  
Dean than looked up at Crowley putting the bat behind his neck, arms hanging over it.  
  
"Who likes baseball?"  
  
Alistair knew Dean was flaky and protective of his family, but over a _boy?_ Alistair was trying to think of something to get out of his scandalous position. Alistair's thought's coursed.   
  
The Winchester family was no family to mess with, they were a known mafia.  
  
Dean's mother was around till he was he was four, she was murdered because of gang violence. She tried to escape John, Dean's father, and his life involved with the mafia. Mary thought she did at first, until her new-found home was set on fire by one of John's rival gangs. Of course, attack the mafia leader's (ex-)wife. Mary was done with her life and thought the best way for her boy's to escape their father was to let the fire consume them. Let them stay asleep and let the inferno devour them. But Dean was able to get six month old Sam out of his crib and run to his mother's room. She was lying in bed staring at the ceiling with a sickening smile on her face. Dean shouted at his mother to get up and run, but she simply waved with her smile as the roof collapsed on her.  
  
Dean could do nothing but save his baby brother.  
  
Alistair knew everything and so did everyone else. John Winchester got tons of publicity when his son's were returned to him.  
  
Dean boomed barbarously, interrupting Alistair's intruding thoughts. "Who want's to be my ball first?"   
  
Alistair inhaled shakily, clenching his fist.  _Think, think, think._  
  
All of John's personal life was leaked because he was a celebrity for being a gangster: toting guns, drug dealing, and also known for merciless murders. All in which the police had no evidence.   
  
When the publicity wouldn't stop John wanted to change Dean's name, saying he doesn't need to be reminded of Mary in any way because Dean and Sam were named after her parents. Dean refused and John was having none of that, beating Dean for protesting and telling him to be a man, and the name was disgusting just like his mother, and if Dean didn't want to be an abomination and unwanted he better accept a name change.  
  
Teachers were worried for Dean, how he'd never write his name on his papers or tell the other students his name. When said teachers did roll he'd say that isn't him--but it is.  
  
Alistair knew Dean's life, everyone did. But Alistair knew he couldn't use Dean's past against him, that'd only put him in deeper shit...  
  
Once John was _finally_ murdered, it was  _everywhere._  
  
'A famous Mafia Boss murdered!,' headlines everywhere in America. _Also_ 'Son's of a John Winchester Missing!,' Dean had took Sam and ran away, he didn't want to be in the system and be separated from his brother. After some time of running, Dean had messed up and got caught, he and Sam were separated.  
  
Dean had recently moved to Kansas to find Sam and take custody of him once he turned eighteen, but the child services and the adoptive parents denied Dean. Alistair knew that because of the talk around school, Dean Winchester having the cops removing him from Social Services for causing a nuisance.  
  
Alistair knew Dean had no more patience, his brother and the bland boy he was close to, now _gone._ Dean had no one, Alistair was sure of it, and he knew Dean was going to take his rage out on them, for Crowley deserved it, but Alistair didn't.  
  
Dean was staring at Alistair, who was pondering at the dirt ground waiting for the inevitable.  
  
The silence was eating him up, Alistair had a bit more begging in him because Dean's wrath was something Alistair did not want to face. He needed to make a halfway point with Dean. "Please Dean, I will do anything! I--I can help you!"  
  
Dean raised an eyebrow once again, "Oh, really?"  
  
"Yes, _anything,_ please!" Alistair confirmed bowing more, practically worshiping the man above him.   
  
Dean scoffed poking Alistair with the bat. "Get up and leave, I'll need you again."  
  
Alistair leaped up immediately, "Thank you, sir." He doesn't know where 'sir' came from, but he could care less because he was dealing with Dean Winchester, his life most likely on the line.  
  
Dean didn't have to tell him to keep his mouth shut, for once Alistair dragged open the warehouse door and was about to shut it he could see Dean lift the bat and lashing out on Crowley's head, who had little to no time to react. Alistair croaked and slammed it shut, running with his tail between his legs. He could keep his mouth shut, that's for sure.

* * *

Castiel opened his eyes, the light burning them.  
  
Everything felt like a dream it didn't feel like forever, the dreaming was fast like any other night of sleeping. Castiel saw the world through everyone's else's eyes, he saw himself. He remembered being pulled through blackness, it swallowed him and created nothingness. And from there here heard everything, from his mother lying, to Charlie's unexpected visit, to  _Dean._  
   
The door creaked open and a slender women wearing scrubs, dark hair in a bun came in. She stopped before fully entering the hospital room mouth hung open.  
  
"You're awake!" She shouted, quickly exiting the room, loud cheers echoed outside his room.  
  
Castiel's head was pounding, he groaned but it was cut off when a man in a long white coat entered. He had a clipboard and was soon speaking to Castiel, but Castiel just lied back in his bed. His head was too heavy to hold up and his throat felt too dry.  
  
"Castiel. Talk to me, do you know where you are?" The man asked with a concern look, "Do you know  _who_ you are?"  
  
Castiel frowned and opened his eyes, glaring at him, but it wasn't focused. His head shook unintentionally back and forth, mouth sealed shut. He didn't understand what the man had said.  
  
The doctor started writing things on his clipboard. The man than shined a brighter light into his eyes, making Cas gasp. And the the man started touching the tubes that were inside Castiel. He looked up at the doctor expectantly, waiting for the man to explain.  
  
"Can you talk Castiel?" Castiel just stared at the man, the doctor could see how Castiel's eyes roamed over his face unknowingly. "I take that as a no."  
  
Cas tilted his head, and leaned back again, it too heavy for his neck.  
  
His body felt dull and the little movements he did do were slow and felt hefty. The doctor did more checkups, Castiel ignored the man while he stared outside at the odd green fields behind the hospital. It reminded him of Dean.  
  
_Oh,_ how he missed Dean.  
  
Dean had come and visited him and promised him he'd get Crowley.  _Crowley._ He has to tell the doctor, he has to tell the police.  
  
He turned to the man checking his pulse once more, he looked up as Castiel's pulse quickened.  
  
Castiel opened his mouth but nothing came out. Nothing would. He tried again, and again. But his throat strained and not a word was spoken.

* * *

Dean's phone rang annoyingly in his pocket as he drove his Impala. He pulled it out and answered groggily.  
  
"Dean!" It was Charlie, she screamed his name through the phone making Dean jolt into the opposite lane.  
  
"Damn Charlie, what?" Dean resounded.  
  
"Castiel, he's awake! Get your ass back in town."  
  
Before Charlie even finished her sentence Dean was doing a u-turn causing multiple miffed honks from passing cars, almost crashing.  
  
But Dean gave _no_ fucks, Castiel was awake.  

* * *

  _ **I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you.**_ _ **Don't quit on me, don't quit on me.**_

_**Please trust me now, trust me now** _

_**I won't hurt you love, won't hurt you love** _

_**I'll run to you...** _


	7. Puppeteer

 

 

_**I'm like a puppet whose strings have been cut.**_  
  
Castiel unknowingly started to cry, an ugly, annoying whine ripped its way through his dry throat. The throbbing pain in his chest increased this crush—this  _infatuation_ with Dean had to end. He _knew_ that. He's mourning a boy who doesn't even  _feel_  towards him. Yes, Dean promised to get Crowley, but it didn't mean he was  _going to_. That doesn't mean he  _likes_ Castiel, like Castiel likes him, he had Anna, he had all those other girls who flocked around him.  
  
Castiel had been a game to Dean, a game Castiel didn't want to play anymore because what's the point in playing a game he was going to  _lose_.  
  
Dean marched to the beat of his own drum, typical bad boy who didn't need someone like Castiel Novak. Castiel's heart hammered, he had to remind himself:  _One day,_ he only knew Dean for  _one day!_ So falling for someone with false promises and a handsome face was silly, especially when he had different women to cater to him!  
  
Castiel sniffled,  ** _He's the only medicine I need._** He signed with his fingers.   
  
As much as Castiel didn’t want to tell his psychologist that, he did, he had to.  
  
“You need to move forward Castiel.” She persisted, “You’ve been doing so well. But this boy is holding you back.”  
  
Castiel growled, tempted to flip her off. **_I_** ** _’m stuck in a damn wheelchair and I’m mute, what’s really holding me back here? My useless legs or my inability to talk?_**    
  
Raelynn frowned at him, “You’ve learned how to gain back your fine-motor skills _and_ learned ASL in five months Castiel!”  
  
Cas rolled his eyes, and sniffled, **_I’m going to miss my senior year._**  
  
Raelynn smiled, “With that attitude, yes! But at the rate you’re going Castiel you will be able to join your classmates four months in. That’s not a lot.”  
  
Castiel snickered at his psychologist.  
  
He had been very reluctant to get counseling, but once his doctors noticed one of the rehab kitchen’s knives under his pillow, they insisted it was going to be part of his recovery. Cas hadn’t used the knife, but he wanted to, that’s why it was under his pillow in the first place. It was the thought that had him stuck in front of Raelynn Yamasaki, a psychologist with a sassy demeanor.  
  
Castiel shifted in his wheelchair, body aching irritably from their hour session.  
  
 ** _I miss him, okay?_**  
  
Castiel was getting defensive, she always wanted to hear about Dean, but there wasn’t much Castiel could tell—he had only spent a day with the other boy.  
  
Rae’s face lightened up, her grin stretching wide. Castiel quickly wiped his tears from his blotchy face.  
  
“I have an idea.” Rae said, scribbling on her clipboard.  
  
Castiel stared at the women, worrying his lip between his teeth.  
  
He studied her beautiful, well sculpted face; she was practically a younger Lucy Liu. She had dark brown hair like Cas himself, with freckles assorted on her cheeks and nose. Her hair was pulled up in a loose bun with strings of hair lazily hanging. If Castiel was honest with himself, she was downright sexy, with her large breasts and curvy body.  
  
 _Dean would be interested in her,_ Castiel scrunched up his nose at the thought.  
  
“I want to find Dean-o!” Raelynn perked up, sitting on the edge of her leather seat.  
  
Castiel signed quickly, **_No._**  
  
Dean didn’t want to see Castiel. That one visit while he was in his coma was all Castiel was going to get, it was most likely a mistake on Dean’s part.    
  
He obviously was gonna have to be stern with his bubbly counselor because she blurted: “Castiel, let me explain myself!—He can help you!”  
  
Her deep brown eyes spoke for themselves.  
  
Raelynn believed Dean could help him speak again and Castiel doubted that with everyone ounce of his body.

* * *

“Ow! What was that for—I just got here!” Dean barked, rubbing the back of his head.  
  
“Where have you been?” Charlie raged, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
She angrily sat back down in the booth.  
  
Dean was lost for words, Charlie pointed at the seat across from her, silently demanding Dean to sit down. He sat down obediently, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully.    
  
“ _You_ were supposed to go to the hospital and see Castiel!”  
  
Dean bit his lip, watching the women turn as red as her hair. He then sighed; he really didn’t want to be at Charlie’s wrath. She was terrifying.  
  
He began, “I did go to the hospital…” He mumbled, avoiding Charlie’s boring stare, “I watched him, that’s it.”  
  
Before Charlie could ask why, Dean beat her to it. “I’m a monster Charlie.”  
  
Charlie’s mouth slowly closed shut, her mood changing ever so quickly.  
  
“I knew Castiel wouldn’t want me to do what I did—but I did it anyway, for my own selfish possessive reasons.” He inhaled, “I don’t know if Crowley died or not, but he most likely did, and now I’m a murderer—a murdering monster.”  
  
She shook her head, “ _We_ are monsters,” She corrected, “I helped…Dean you’re not upset about what you did to that _rat._ You’re terrified of rejection.” Dean frowned at that. “You don’t want Castiel to deny you—to be scared of you.”  
  
Dean spluttered, not because Charlie was wrong, _no_ , because she was absolutely correct.  
  
“Dean, don’t look at me like that,” Charlie continued as she began to fiddle with the straw in her milkshake. “I know who you are, your family, and your history.” Dean visibly swallowed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Don’t fret cinnamon roll,” She joked, “I helped you for a reason, all along knowing about your big _‘Al Capone’_ past.” Charlie smirked at Dean’s worried look, “I’m not judging you big boy, relax. The past is the past, and I hope you have a future with Castiel.” She smiled knowingly at him; _damn this girl was a genius._  
  
“So you know that…that I’ve known Castiel for a long time…?” He asked.  
  
Charlie nodded and began to babble about how she easily found Dean’s, along with his families’, records. She laughed and said if you just type _‘Win’_ into Google, the Winchester name is the first to pop up.  
  
“…And then I saw you vacationed in Michigan for a while, and Castiel lived in Detroit when he was younger!—So I realized you guys were together! Castiel must not remem--!”  
  
“I wish he did,” Dean blurted, Charlie’s eyebrows shot up. “He was my first friend, he unknowingly accepted me. I…we were there for a trade, my father, my brother and I, not a vacation. It’s actually kinda funny and cliché.” Dean had a lopsided smile, “Castiel travels a lot, so did I. It seems as if wherever I was, he was too.” Charlie titled her head. “I’d see him everywhere.”  
  
“Each state you traveled to?” Charlie gurgled, Dean nodded and his smiled widened.  
  
“Each little drug deal, gun deal, whatever my crook of a father was doing in whatever state, Castiel was there. Every. Single. One.” Dean leaned back in his seat. “I mean, yeah, Cas was my friend and shit, but _damn_ , I thought the kid was stalking me. But I also didn’t want to approach him and be wrong, then be the one who seemed to be doing the _stalking._ ” Dean inhaled once more, “I just came to really like him…he’d be in the same school I’d be at for that month or so. Cas seemed to not notice, some damn how and—“  
  
“You fell in love!” Charlie jumped with glee.  
  
“What—no…what, I didn’t—“  
  
“Stop your blabbering Winchester! Let’s go to the rehab center now!”  
  
Charlie leaped from her bench and yanked Dean by his bicep, pulling him out of the little café they were meeting at. There were shouts at them, but Charlie sassily responded, “Put it on my tab!”  
  
Dean huffed, “Fuh—Charlie!”  
  
Charlie shoved him in his Impala and quickly slid into the passenger side.  
  
“Let’s go save your prince, charming.” Charlie wiggled her eyebrows suggestively as Dean groaned and shifted the gear.  
  
Dear Lord, save him now.

* * *

            The man was creepy, that was true. But who was Castiel to judge, he was told he had a staring problem, and Castiel knew that was anything but subtle.  
  
Castiel wheeled around and shut the large bathroom door. He could still hear Zachariah move around in his room, cleaning up. Castiel exhaled a long breath, the guy was definitely weird with his innuendos and lingering touches and… _ugh!_  
  
Zach was an average size, not attractive, gray-haired man. Zachariah was also, strictly, Castiel’s nurse. He tended to Castiel’s daily needs, such as bathing, moving, and etcetera.  
  
Castiel really wanted a different nurse, he truly did, but it was difficult when he was hardly out of the old man’s sight.  
  
Castiel sighed and peeled off his shirt, there was an almost silent knock on the door.  
  
Castiel eyes widened, fidgeting in his wheelchair. Before Castiel could open the door and respond, Zach was shoving his way through.  
  
“Let me start your shower for ya, huh?”  
  
 Castiel nodded slowly then signed **_Please and thank you._**  
  
Castiel covered his body with his shirt as the nurse’s gaze didn’t break from it.  
  
Zachariah nodded his response and moved to the tub, the bathroom was huge and almost luminous at his expensive rehab.  
  
Once the shower started, Zach started staring once again. Five months in and Castiel still couldn’t stand his prying eyes.  
  
 ** _Thank you._** Castiel finger-spelled, he wanted the man out.  
  
“You’re so pretty, Castiel, did you know that?” Zachariah muttered as he crouched in front of Cas.  
  
Castiel rapidly nodded no, he wanted to scream and shout at the man, but he couldn’t.  
  
“The things I could do to you…so quiet, so vulnerable.”  
  
Castiel’s heart rammed against his rib cage, he was forgetting to breathe. His eyes were bulging and already tearing up. Castiel started to shimmy his shirt back on, wanting to shield his body from the man’s eager eyes.  
  
“No…” Zachariah murmured, stopping Castiel’s movements.  
  
Castiel began to sob, tears flowing. He was in another predicament, the same type that put him _into_ the one he was currently in.  
  
Castiel opened his mouth, he wanted to say no, but an ugly grunt came out. His shirt was promptly snatch out of his hands and thrown in wet tub.  
  
“Don’t act like you don’t want this, bitch.” Zachariah mused, he started undoing his belt.  
  
Castiel gagged, he couldn’t escape.  
  
He was so useless, so worthless. So _vulnerable._  
  
Castiel scanned the bathroom, the emergency pull; he started for it, pushing on his wheels as fast as humanly possible. It was behind him, next to the sink, he was so close—  
  
“What do you think you’re doing?”  
  
His chair stopped moving backwards and he was caught reaching over the back of his chair.  
  
Zachariah chuckled weakly, and pulled Castiel back in front of him. “Nice try bitch, I’ve waited too long.”  
  
Before Castiel could try and defend himself the blow-dryer connected on the wall was soon unhinged and the cord was wrapped around Castiel’s wrists. He struggled, trying to break free from the horrid man, but _failed_. Once _again._  
  
A washcloth was soon shoved into Castiel’s strained mouth.   
  
“Shh, shh, don’t cry, this will be great.”  
  
Zach’s belt and zipper were now open; he pulled down his white pants and sighed in relief. More tears flooded Castiel’s eyes, he barfed behind the gag. He had to swallow or risk choking on his own spew.  
  
“No time for foreplay now, Cassie.”  
  
The man’s whitey-tighties were then also pulled down. More hurl threatened its way out, but only making its way back down Castiel’s throat.  
  
His eyes were stung red and he could hear his muffled whimpers that were not only suppressed by the dingy cloth but the loud spray of the shower.  
  
“Let’s make this quick, huh?” Zachariah wobbled over to Castiel who was protestingly tied to his wheelchair; Zach had a vile smile on his face.  
  
Castiel dared not to look at Zachariah’s groin, knowing full well he’d have to taste his upchuck again. Zachariah forced Castiel’s pants down, making him yelp.  
  
“Cas?!” Both Castiel and Zachariah jerked up, they both stared at the large door.  
  
It was deep and rough voice, with that southern brawl that Castiel would know anywhere. Castiel began to squirm and groan annoyingly loud behind the washcloth. Wiggling with what little energy he had—making his chair scrap against the tile floors.  
  
“Damn you!” Zachariah whispered harshly.  
  
Suddenly he slapped Castiel, making Cas stop moving and weep more. There was pounding on the locked door, deafening, headache-constructing banging. The door was brutally pushed opened, knocking Zach on his bare ass.  
  
Castiel was right, it was Dean. His Dean…no, no—  
  
“Fucking hell!” Dean roared.  
  
He looked at Castiel, then back at the balding man sitting on the ground.  
  
Castiel saw how the frustrated look in Dean’s eye turned into pure adulterated, venomous fury. He lunged at Zachariah, fist flying at the man’s face. Dean was snarling like a beast, Castiel tried to look away, but Zachariah’s pain filled screams brought him back to staring at Dean’s storm.  
  
“Castiel, buddy.”  
  
Castiel looked up from the disturbing scene to see…Charlie? His brow furrowed in confusion.   
  
“That’s for another time, I…” She looked to see Dean shoving the man’s face against the yellow tiled floors.  
  
Her sentence died on her tongue as she watch the blood from the nurse’s face splatter and ruin the pretty tinted canvas.  
  
She untangled the cord from Castiel’s slim wrists, and pulled the gag from his mouth.  
  
Charlie stood and went behind Castiel, instantly rushing him out of the bathroom. Away from an irrational thinking Dean and a pleading Zachariah.   
 

 


	8. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doubt will most likely have a couple more chapters, and smut will ensue. I will warn everyone when smut does happen.  
> I was out of it most of the time I wrote this! At one point I was very sick for two weeks, another I was up at 5 am typing away. SO if the story doesn't add up, let me know!  
> If there's errors--I'm sorry.
> 
> **ALSO! SELF-HARM DOES HAPPEN IN THIS CHAPTER, DO NOT CONTINUE IF IT'S TRIGGERING OR MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.**  
> Enjoy!

**_And I will burn the people who hurt you the most and I will not learn_ **   
**_'Cause I am too young and too dumb to consider the terms_ **   
**_I'm breaking the law and I'll curse the day that they return_ **   
**_With a smile on my face as their heads hit the floor…_ **

**_And anyway, what I'm tryna say is I'll protect you till the day I'll meet my maker  
So don't fight me now 'cause you might need me later…_ **

**_Loving you’s a bloodsport._ **

* * *

 

"Look," Dean rasped, "I busted the door down and found the bastard trying to have his way with Castiel. Simple. As. That, man." 

The cop raised an eyebrow at Dean, but continued to scribble on his notepad. 

"Now can you tell these guys to let me go?" Dean grumbled, gesturing to the two male nurses who had pulled him off Zachariah.   
  
"Winchester, you almost killed the man," The officer replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Almost."  
  
"He has broken ribs, both arms are broken, a broken nose, a broken leg, and a concussion."  
  
Dean chuckled, "Well good thing we're at a hospital, huh?"  
  
The officer squinted at Dean. Dean just shrugged in response.   
  
The officer waved the burly nurses off of Dean. He stretched his aching arms, and rolled his shoulders.  
  
Dean quickly made his way back into the room, two investigators nodding to Castiel and his mother. They made their way past Dean, eyeing him warily, before exiting Castiel’s fancy room.  
  
Castiel now wore bright pink pajama pants and a simple white t-shirt, while his mother was overly dressed.  
   
Before Dean could speak, Naomi spoke first: “You need to leave, Dean.”  
   
“Okay 1. Rude. 2. I’m here for Cas…” Dean shot back, “I will leave if Castiel wants me too.”  
   
“You will leave if I say so!” Naomi hissed.    
   
Dean didn’t budge, “You little!—“ Started Naomi, but got quickly cut off when Cas yanked on her sleeve.  
   
**_I need to talk to him._** He signed.  
   
Naomi didn’t want them to talk; it was obvious on her face. But she nodded reluctantly and went outside of the room, clicking the door shut.  
   
Castiel wheeled over to his side table, and found a pen and notepad, assuming Dean didn’t understand ASL.  
   
He wrote quickly and emotionless.  
  
**_Why are you here for_** **me?**  
  
Castiel meant to sound rude, meant to sound careless, meant to _hurt_ Dean. He needed to. Dean couldn’t just barge back into his life.  
  
They’re _strangers._  
  
Dean eyes scanned over the note, “To see you, of course.” He said bluntly.  
  
**_Why? We aren’t friends._**  
  
Dean practically swallowed his heart; his oxygen was punched out of him.  
  
“Cas—“ Castiel started to write again.  
  
**_I don’t even know you._**  
**_And you don’t know me._**  
  
“That’s not true.”  
  
**_Oh?_**  
**_Stalking me doesn’t count, Dean._**  
  
Dean pulled out a desk chair, sitting directly in front of Castiel, hunched anxiously.  
  
“Why won’t you talk to me?” He asked.  
  
Castiel just rolled his eyes, **_Don’t flatter yourself. I can’t speak in general._**  
  
Dean gulped, awkwardly clearing his throat, avoiding Castiel’s blue stare.  
  
When had Castiel become so cold?  
  
“Why?”  
  
Castiel shrugged in response.  
  
Cas wanted Dean to leave. He knew he was contradicting himself. He told Raelynn, and he told _himself,_ that he missed and needed Dean. But seeing Dean in person made those feelings vanish.  
  
Castiel is bitter and angry.  
  
**_You can leave now Dean._**  
  
Dean gaped, mouth opening and closing like a damn fish.  
  
“But—“  
  
Castiel shook his head.  
  
**_I want to see anybody but you._**  
  
Seconds after Cas flashed Dean the notepad, the wooden chair scrapped against the timbered floor. Before Castiel could register what was happening, he had lap full of sandy hair. Dean’s arms somehow wiggled around Cas’ waist, his face buried in Castiel’s lap. Cas didn’t know what to do, his arms strung up awkwardly.  
  
“Please. I said I’d leave, but I can’t Cas. I just can’t, bluebird.”  
  
Castiel’s heart clenched painfully tight, this wasn’t supposed play out like this, he wasn’t supposed forgive him, he wasn’t supposed to let this strange boy pull his strings anymore.  
   
Before Castiel could think of a thousand-and-one dumb reasons to deny Dean—he was running his fingers through Dean’s hair.  
  
“You’re all I have left.” Dean sobbed, grip tightening around Cas’ body.  
  
Castiel’s lip quavered, eyes getting wet.  
  
“I need to explain myself to you…I need you to not leave me… I need _you.”_ Dean sniffled, “Please let me stay Cas, it’s been too long.” He begged.  
  
Dean looked up pleadingly, his emerald eyes practically shining.  
  
There was no way Castiel could say no, Dean begging, Dean being here, _Dean_ in general had Castiel nodding his reply before you could think otherwise.  
  
“Thank you, angel.” Dean said, muffled by Castiel’s abdomen.  
  
Castiel thought he should be scared, he’s seen what Dean could do. What if Castiel had said no? Would Dean have hurt him?  
  
As if Dean could read his thoughts: “I will never hurt you, Castiel.”  
  
Castiel felt as if they were there for hours, but it mostly likely was minutes because the sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted them far too quickly.  
  
“Can I speak with you Dean?” It was Naomi.  
  
Dean groaned, which tickled Castiel’s tummy. Cas made a huff of laughter, Dean looked up smiling.  
  
“I’ll be back sweet heart.” Dean whispered.  
  
Cas nodded dumbly in response as Dean quickly stood. Naomi flared her nostrils angrily at Dean, yanking the boy by his bicep outside the door.  
  
Castiel gulped nervously and then frowned. He wasn’t going to let his mother ruin this, and he hoped Dean made sure of that.  
  
“Yes, ma’am?” Dean forced awkwardly. He really didn’t know why he was dragged outside Cas’ room.  
  
“You need to stay away from my son.” She ordered, crossing her arms.  
  
“Why?” Dean simply asked.  
  
“You’re a thug, and because I said so.”  
  
Dean scowled at the women before him, “Castiel is my friend.”  
  
“And you obviously want more than that, and that’s not going to happen!” Naomi barked, “My son isn’t some—some—“ She was lost for words.  
  
“Your son likes boys, Ms. Novak.” Dean persisted, “And I like your son. There’s nothing wrong with that.”  
  
Naomi was taken aback at the obscurity.  
  
“ _Everything_ is wrong with that!” She jabbed her finger into his chest, “You think I don’t know who you are? You’re Dean Winchester!”  
  
Dean nodded, “That’s my name.”  
  
“Yes, part of the Winchester family! I’m no fool; do you think I’m going to let my son hang around you? He’s already been in deep shit Dean; he doesn’t need to be dragged through anymore with you! You need to stay away from Castiel before I make sure the police hear about this, and they’ll know exactly what to do with the son of John Winchester!” Naomi rambled on, throwing her arms crazily.  
  
Dean inhaled deeply, anger boiling, “I am _not_ my family Ms. Novak, and I’m sure as hell not my father!” Dean was shouting back now, making bystanders glare worriedly at them.  
  
Naomi just stared at Dean, eyeing him in disgust, waiting for the boy to leave.  
  
He pointed at her, ready to insult the women in front of him. Dean swallowed his words, and stared back at Naomi.  
  
“You know what—I—“ Dean murmured, “Whatever.”  
  
Dean smiled, “I’m leaving.”  
  
Naomi then smirked in false victory.  
  
_This wasn’t over just yet_ , Dean thought as he sashayed down the huge hallways, out of the rehab center.

 

 

* * *

When Naomi returned alone, his sadness was near consuming. He was sure this ache would leave, especially since Dean returned to him. But he was wrong.

 _Once again._

Castiel knew he shouldn’t have forgiven Dean, because Dean is _Dean._ And Dean needs no one but Dean.

“It’s getting late, do you want something to eat?” Naomi asked, already deciding that she’ll be Castiel’s private nurse for now on.

 ** _No thank you, mother._** He inhaled, **_Can you help me in bed?_**

Naomi frowned, “It’s only seven Castiel,”

 ** _I just want this day to be over with._** Cas signed sadly, wrapping his arms around himself.

Naomi nodded, pushing Cas over to his enormous bed. She supported him as he wobbled on his useless legs, than she tucked him in.

She exhaled, “You’ll have other friends, Dean’s just not one of them.”

Castiel scrunched up his nose, **_Why’s that? Dean’s nice to me._**

She shook her head and spoke dryly, “Dean’s bad news and only wants to use you, Castiel. It’s either money or sexual intercourse and I think it’s the latter.”

Castiel’s eyes widened, **_Not true! You don’t even fucking know Dean!_**

“I do know Dean, more than you Castiel! And is that anyway to talk to your mother, young man?” She exclaimed, stomping her heeled foot like a child.

 ** _Ha-ha._** Cas signed quickly, sitting up in his bed. **_Mother? You being here is the closest thing to mothering you’ve ever done, besides giving birth of course!_** He exhaled bitterly, almost sounding like ironic laughter.

Naomi looked stunned so Castiel continued, ** _Don’t try and deny it, you didn’t raise me and don’t even know me, your only son!_**

Naomi scoffed, “You’re ungrateful!”

 ** _Get out,_** Castiel growled, **_Just get out now! Leave me alone!_**

Naomi crossed her arms and huffed, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She than stormed out, slamming Cas’ door shut.

Castiel angrily flopped back down on his mattress, wanting to sleep the evening away.

How would she know Dean? Castiel’s sure they’ve never met before. How could she just assume all those cruel things about Dean?

Castiel rolled his eyes, why they hell was he defending Dean? Dean most likely only wanted money, because sex was out of the question. Castiel knew he most likely wasn’t pleasing to the other’s eyes, and nothing about Cas was erotic, especially now in his damn wheelchair. Castiel wasn’t sexy, and he was a hundred percent sure Dean didn’t see him that way. Castiel didn't even understand Crowley's and Zach's cruel intentions. Dean knew Castiel had money so maybe Naomi had been right.

But Cas was done. Dean will not be playing Castiel anymore, and he promised himself that.

Castiel closed his eyes shut, wanting sleep to take over.

But then behind his eyelids he saw concerned green eyes mock him, he saw the boy from his dreams, the boy who called him cute endearments and just wanted Castiel’s attention. The boy who has left him three times now, the boy who always contradicted himself and confused the hell out of Castiel.

Before Castiel could blame Dean more, he started blaming himself, sobbing quietly in his plush pillow.

 _Why can’t I do anything right?_ He thought to himself. _He doesn’t want you, you fucking mistake._

 _Nobody wants me._

He puffed a breath and sat up in his bed. He flipped his wrists over, looking at his healed scars. He rubbed his fingers over them, snarling in disgust.

The moon was shining through his window and sheer curtains, casting a bright light on him. He didn’t want these scars to define him, but it was hard when they went all the way up his arm, stopping at his bicep. They were on both arms, and completely visible. Castiel knew other patients at the center noticed them, they were quite obvious, but he was just tired of being identified as the kid with depression and horrid streaks on his arms.

But being rejected and judged didn’t stop Castiel from grabbing his thighs and shoving them over the bed and grab his chair. He rolled over to one of his cabinets that stored medical equipment and extra sheets and opened it as quietly as possible.

But being an outcast and undesirable didn’t stop him from ripping out his spare razor that was taped to the underside of the counter.

Although Castiel was on suicide watch, everyone was still clueless on how Cas could get any sort of object to harm himself. This particular one was from the Arts & Crafts room. A razor from a tiny pencil sharpener was now his relief. _Idiots._

 _It’s been too long,_ Castiel thought.

He slid the razor horizontally; the deep incision erupted of his bittersweet blood. Castiel hissed slightly, inhaling through clenched teeth.

He was doing so well...

Before Castiel could repeat the action under the first cut there was scraping noise. Cas fumbled with the razor, dropping it on the floor, he internally cursed himself.

“What are you doing?”

Castiel jumped in his seat and straining his neck to turn around, what he was greeted with almost made him piss himself.

“Holy shit, do I look like a creeper, I’m sorry, I’m just...“ Dean exhaled, completely flustered.

Castiel clasped his hand over his bloody wrist, completely panicking.  _How the Hell did he—?_

Castiel looked at his window; it was wide open, bringing in the chilly October air.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dean asked, sauntering over to where Castiel was planted.

He quickly shook his head yes, wanting Dean as far as way as possible.

“Um I hope this is okay, your mom forced me to leave so this was the only way I could, y’know, come back and see you...” Dean went back to the window and slowly pulled it shut, not wanting to be too loud.

Castiel gripped his wrist tighter; he wanted Dean here, now that he was literally there, all in his handsome glory.

“So Cas…” Dean cleared this throat.

Castiel turned around to see Dean, once again, heading towards him. Castiel squeezed his wrist tighter, whining in pain as he put pressure on his new cut.

Cas couldn’t just wheel, or _run_ away incidentally.

“Hey so, there’s a lot we need to talk about.” Dean said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m kinda emotionally-constipated but I think this is really important.”

Castiel’s back was to Dean, and Dean must of thought Cas was upset with him because he frowned.

“Hey Cas,” He murmured, touching his shoulder.

Castiel bounced in his seat, still not turning around.

Dean got in front of Cas, who was staring at the wall, red rimmed eyes.

“Wait, why are you crying?” Dean asked, “Did I fuck up again? Goddammit…” Dean sulked a little, his eyes down casting.

Castiel inhaled shakily when Dean noticed his death grip on his wrist, Dean’s frowned deepened.  
He was trembling under Dean’s concerned stare.

Dean didn’t say anything as he moved towards Castiel’s hand; he was petrified to think someone had hurt Castiel again.

When Dean’s hand was on his wrist, Castiel’s grip tightened.

Dean looked back up at Castiel, who was openly, and obviously, avoiding Dean’s deep stare.

Dean knew this was it was already a losing battle, but that didn’t stop him from trying to wrench Castiel’s wrist from clasping on to the left one.

Castiel was shaking in fear, knowing a panic attack was coming in full force.

He inhaled—his lip and chin shaking uncontrollably.

Dean yanked Cas’ hand away, wanting to know what Cas was so desperately trying to hide.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat as he saw Castiel’s palm and fingers covered in bright blood. It slid down his wrist, dripping to the floor.

Dean followed the blood’s glowing trail and swallowed hard.

A razor.

Dean picked it up, rolling it in between his fingers.

Dean looked up to find Castiel lips in a thin line, whining quietly. Tears spill down his cheeks, shoulders shaking. Castiel's throat is sandpaper, he can’t speak. He has nothing to say, what exactly would he say?

Dean stands and silently walks to the restroom.

Castiel starts to hyperventilate, his breaths coming out uneven and weak. He looks down at his hands, they’re jittery, and his eyesight is blurry with the thick tears streaming down his burning cheeks.

Dean has found out, Dean now knows he’s damaged. He knew it’d happen, months ago, back in April, but this isn’t how he expected Dean to react.

Cas expected anger, for Dean to blow up, yell at Castiel for not telling him how fucked up Cas is.  
_Or_ … he expected Dean to leave immediately, disgusted.

But Dean didn’t leave, he just went to the bathroom.

 _Maybe he’s taking it all in…deciding whether or not he should flee._

 _He should leave…_

Dean came out of the bathroom, returning with a wet rag and… a medical kit?

Castiel frowned.

Dean crouched in front of him once again; he wiped the rag across his ruby wrist, then to his hand. He cleaned it gently while Castiel winced. He removed the rag, cleaning up the splotches of blood on the wooden floor. Once finished, Dean opened the small kit, rubbing antibiotics on the slit. He then wrapped it up, tight but not painful, all the while silent.

Dean didn’t seem angry, actually he seemed adamant, not there--on another planet.

Dean stood, and wheeled Castiel to his bed; Dean easily lifted Cas under his arms and lightly laid him down on his large bed. He than pulled Cas' fluffy, white blanket up to his chin, and suddenly kissed Cas on his forehead.

He turned his back to Cas, ready to leave. But Castiel couldn’t stand the silence or the blank expression on Dean’s face. He gripped Dean’s sleeve, making Dean stop dead in his tracks. He needed to know what Dean was thinking, he needed some sort of reaction!

Castiel’s mouth opened, trying to forms words, his throat stung.

“De…” He grated out.

Dean’s eyes widened absurdly. He turned around quickly, his large hands swallowing Cas’ small ones.

Castiel’s brow furrowed in concentration, excitement rushed through his veins.

He _spoke!_

“De…” Castiel repeated.

“Ya, bluebird?” Dean raised his eyebrows expectantly; wanting to hear Cas speak a thousand and one words, wanting him to read to him, lecture him in studies, _anything._

Dean’s hand squeezed lightly.

“So..so-sorry.” He murmured, scratchily, “Stay, puh-please.”

Castiel wanted to jump crazily, and scream at the sky happily!

Dean nodded dully, with a goofy smile. He took of his jacket, and hung it on Cas’ chair. He toed off his boots, and awkwardly slid next to Castiel on his bed.

Castiel blushed fiercely as he lied back down and Dean’s arm snaked around his waist, spooning him. Dean pulled Cas tight against his chest, not wanting him to leave, even though the smaller boy was immobile.

Castiel’s eyes drooped; he was tired, physically and emotionally.

Dean didn’t reject him, leave him, and look at him in repulsion.

Dean stayed, cleaned his cuts, tucked him in, and kissed his forehead. Dean _cared._

He was dozing off with a dopey smile on his face.

“I wasn’t going to leave you anyway, bluebird.” Dean rumbled, intertwining their fingers, and kissing Castiel under his ear. “Not again.”

 

 


	9. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resolve?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and fluffy, what everyone needed for this story. But I believe more drama and angst to come before I shut down this project! Of course, there will be some kinky smut because I've been meaning to write some, hon-hon.
> 
> I MADE A PLAYLIST FOR DOUBT: I added songs in order for the 9 chapters, even for the earlier chapters. I'll also add songs that exclude the 9 chapters. I've added lyrics at the beginning and the end of chapters so readers can really get a feel and emotion of it. I think it's pretty exciting but also super sad, but I hope you enjoy it!: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6kodOsOJkI-npe3hQp62vAi4LmxjjOGl
> 
> *Also I'm sorry if this doesn't add up, this has been a long time coming and has been sitting in my Word for some time. I'll fix what I can.*  
> *No beta.*

_**Don’t care if he’s guilty, don’t care if he’s not** _  
_**He’s good and he’s bad and he’s all that I’ve got** _  
_**Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I’m begging you please** _  
_**Don’t take that sinner from me** _

_**Oh don’t take that sinner from me** _

* * *

Castiel’s eyes fluttered open; he rubbed them and stretched, but then stiffened when he felt another body next to him. Dean’s right arm was wrapped around Castiel’s waist, his hand up his shirt. Dean’s palm was flat on his abdomen, rubbing the soft skin there. Castiel’s face heated up, the tip of his ears tinted just as red.

Dean’s other arm was under Cas’ neck and wrapped across his chest, holding Cas’ shoulder. Dean was practically pinning Castiel to himself. Dean’s grip was tight, as if Cas was going to magically disappear at any moment. Dean’s face was snuggled up on the back of his neck, inhaling deeply. Their legs were tangled together, with one of Dean’s shoved in between Castiel’s.

The closeness was going to give Castiel an inappropriate erection, which he _really_ didn’t need. So, he tried to pry Dean’s huge arms from around him. But he couldn’t, Dean just tightened his hold. Dean’s crotch was snug against his bottom, and Castiel really needed to go, like _now._ It’s not like he’s never wanted to be in this exact predicament, with Dean’s larger frame engulfing his much smaller one. Dean being in his bed in general was one of Castiel’s biggest fantasies.

But it was _wrong,_ plus Castiel didn’t feel like embarrassing himself. Therefore, he just tried again. But this time, Dean _growled._ Castiel’s eyes widened comically. Dean just growled at him, holy shit.

He croaked, “Dean.”

Dean’s hold lightened just a bit, and then suddenly he lifted Castiel’s bandaged wrist and then kissed it.

“I’m sorry.” Dean whispered, kissing behind Cas’ ear.

Dean finally let go and leaned on his elbows. He yawned and then got up from Cas’ bed. While he did that Castiel was still stunned, he was staring at his dressed wrist.

“It’s seven—when’s your mom usually here, sweetheart?” Dean’s voice was scratchy; it made Cas tingly all over.

Cas sat up and looked at Dean. Dean’s hair was messily cute, and he was in his boxers. Castiel blushed, not even remembering when Dean took off his jeans. Castiel quickly shook his head, trying to remove those lustful thoughts.

He then inhaled deeply, he spoke last night and he just muttered Dean’s name. But could he form full sentences?

He wouldn’t know if he didn’t try. “I…I don’t…know.” Castiel’s voice was annoyingly rougher than usual. He wringed his fingers together and smiled to himself. _I talked, again!_

Castiel didn’t realize Dean was in front of him, hands on the bed, staring at Cas intently.

“You’re so beautiful.” Dean lifted Castiel’s chin. “I’ve missed you so much, you have no idea.”

Cas could feel Dean’s breath on his face; he _really_ wanted Dean to kiss him. It’d be amazing—his first kiss. Dean would know exactly how to slot their lips together, Dean would make Castiel’s first kiss completely and utterly fantastic. Dean would be his missing piece and they’d fit together perfectly.

But of course, everything was too good to be true. Dean moved away and put his pants back on. He ran his fingers in his short hair and came to sit next to Cas back on the bed.

He then intertwined his fingers like the night before. 

Dean then suddenly frowned to himself as he stared at their connected hands, “We need to talk, bluebird.”

Castiel’s breath hitched, _no, no, no, no._ Dean was going to leave him again, wasn’t he? He was going to try and break it down to Cas, which in return would make Castiel break down.

Dean was staring at Cas as the silence between the two consumed them. Castiel was sure Dean could see him fall apart. Castiel didn’t want Dean to see him crash and burn, he was _so_ tired of letting Dean see him so weak. But it was the inevitable. He started to sob.

“Why are you crying?” Dean asked dumbly.

Castiel looked down; he couldn’t look at Dean right now. Dean would probably make fun of him; _laugh_ at Castiel just like he did in the hallway. He’d walk away, happily, and go to someone so much better than himself.

Dean lifted his face again; he cupped it and used the pad of his thumbs to wipe away Castiel’s thick tears.

Then Dean smiled, and Castiel cried some more. He was right. “You’re _wrong...”_ Dean said suddenly. “You’re wrong if you think I’m leaving you again.”

Castiel’s eyes met with Dean’s, they were so sincere, excluding Dean’s smirk. “Our relationship is much deeper than you think, bluebird.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed between his eyebrows. “You keep frowning like that your face is going to get stuck.” His thumbed over Castiel’s bottom lip, which was pouting. “It’s cute though.”

Castiel pushed his lip out more and sniffled, he had no idea what Dean met by their _“deeper relationship”._

Dean unexpectedly pulled out his phone; he unlocked it and typed away on it. Castiel was going to say that that was rude, but was interrupted by Dean shoving his cell into his face.

“Read it.” Castiel grabbed the phone and frowned some more. Dean continued, “Please, read it.”

Castiel did what he was asked, and began to read the article on the page.

Irony washed over Castiel in waves. Months ago, Dean had hit Alistair and Castiel was sure Dean was a thug. But that changed after sometime, he didn’t think Dean would be involved in such a thing. But lately, Castiel hasn’t been right. When he said Dean was in a mafia, it was only panicky banter. He’d never thought Dean would _actually be_ in some sort of mafia.

Castiel looked up to find Dean basking in shame. He wouldn’t dare to look Cas in the eyes, and was fiddling with his fingers.

Castiel looked back down to the phone, fright coursing through his veins. Every time he thought he set things straight he’d always get a reality check: _you do not deserve happiness and contentment, Castiel._

Sadly, all those months ago, he was right, for _once_ in his pathetic life. Dean was a gangster and he most likely had an ulterior motive all along. How could he be so clueless?

Dean was part of the Winchester Mafia, a famous family known for drugs, prostitutes, weaponry, and _murder._ The whole she-bang. His parents were dead, his brother was gone, and Dean was alone.

Castiel quickly scrolled, reading more and more. Maybe Dean wasn’t like his father, maybe this was some sick joke and they can go back to cuddling, soft kisses and adorable endearments. Maybe Castiel can talk some more and then eventually he could start to walk. _Maybe_ this wasn’t real and Dean wasn’t letting Castiel drown in reality.

Maybe—might be, could be.

Actuality—realism and the _truth._

The real world was choking him, it repeated the mantra that Castiel didn’t deserve happiness and this isn’t a fairytale. It is _reality_ and Castiel was trapped in a sea of it, he was engulfed in it and he was suffocating.

Castiel locked the phone and sat it on the bed, his hands began to shake and he began to break in a cold sweat. What has he gotten himself into? What were they? Was this supposed to be some Bonnie and Clyde relationship? Was Castiel supposed to help Dean hide bodies, smuggle drugs and force kids his age into selling their bodies?—

“Castiel, please, calm down.” Dean sighed, interrupting Castiel’s flowing thoughts. Dean pointed at the phone, embarrassment still evident. “That _isn’t_ me.”

Castiel looked up from his fidgety hands, and into Dean’s leafy eyes. “I needed to tell you; because this is where it all begins. Hence, if we keep doing what we are doing, and we—um– get together, I need you to know my past _now.”_

Silence.

“I will not let it haunt me and I will not let it hurt you.”

Castiel hadn’t realized he was crying once again. He quickly looked back down, trying to hide his humiliation. _Why am I so weak?_

“Bluebird…” Dean chimed, “Please look at me.” Dean’s voice cracked.

Castiel shook his head; he just _couldn’t_ look at Dean. He couldn’t trust him anymore. The trust that should’ve been gone months ago has finally left, for his safety. If Castiel was to die, he wouldn’t want it to be at the hands of Dean. It’s be by his own, the blood would be on his hands, where it _belongs._ He’d keep fighting until the faithful day he’d take his own life, he’d promise himself that.

“My father is _dead.”_ Dean’s voice was stern, “My mother is _dead._ The Winchester family is and forever will be _dead._ And my brother has been taken away from me.” Dean sighed. “I only have you and you’re all I want.” 

Castiel refused to look up and speak so Dean carried on. “I’m telling you this because you would have eventually found out. Then I know you’d be even more upset because I kept it from you, I _lied_ to you.” Dean paused and exhaled shakily. “I have no ill intentions and I will never hurt you.” Dean cleared his throat and corrected himself. “Again… I promise.”

“After that day, I was finally ready to go get my brother, that’s why I was back here. I needed Sammy back—I wanted a family. I just need Sam _and_ you. But when I went to get Sam, they refused to even let me see him. My family’s past has plagued me and it follows me everywhere. After I was dragged out of Social Services I decided to sulk.

I drank and drank and decided to not go to school to see the only contentment I could reach. I didn’t want to do anything bluebird, I just _couldn’t._ I overslept or didn’t sleep at all, I refused to eat, bathe, or even leave the shitty motel I stay in. I wanted to _die.”_

Castiel was nibbling on his lip, he had messed up again. Before Castiel could quickly apologize, Dean decided to carry on.

“I fucked up and decided to sleep around,” Dean mumbled sadly, “I thought I needed to distract myself. If I couldn’t even get my brother and take care of him, how could I take care of you? ”

Castiel looked down unhappily, that really didn’t sit well with him.

“I thought I needed to avoid you because I didn’t deserve you. I already had Sammy taken away from me, and I couldn’t lose you too. You didn’t seem too fond of me anyways.”

Castiel scoffed internally, it’s not like they had the greatest introductions.

“I was a coward, Cas. So I decided to watch you from afar…” Dean paused, and then continued quietly, “Like I usually did…”

Castiel stared at Dean. Now they were back at the whole stalker prospect. Did he hear Dean correctly?

Castiel built up the courage to try and speak again, “So you _are_ a stalker then?”

“I…” Dean grumbled to himself. “I’ve known you since we were younger; I’ve known you all my life.”

Castiel balked, completely confused. “Huh?”

Dean chuckled, “Yeah this is going to make the whole stalker thing sound ten times worse than it already is.”

Castiel waited patiently, he really needed an explanation.

His gut and brain was telling him to kick Dean out, to remove the odd boy from his life like he should’ve done _months_ ago, multiple times now. Because they were strangers, _right?_ But his heart and loneliness spoke for themselves too. They wanted Dean so bad, _he_ wanted Dean so bad.

Castiel knew he was desperate, but he honestly had nothing to lose—but Dean, he couldn’t lose Dean.

He nodded for Dean to continue, which he did. “My dad traveled a lot, so that met my brother and I did also. Weirdly enough, you’d always be where I was Castiel. I honestly don’t know how or why, but you’d be at every town and school I was at.”

Dean was wringing his fingers again, blush colored his cheeks; he’d never think Dean would ever be _shy_. “I began to like you a lot, and we only met once, you were my first friend.”

Castiel had no idea they had met before, so he frowned slightly.

Dean smiled and his bewildered look. “You’re Cassandra.”

Castiel sat up straight and his eyes widened, “Wha—what?”

Dean cleared his throat and stumbled a bit on his words, “Wouldn’t you want an adventure?” Dean smiled at Castiel’s huge eyes. “They’d be new every day.”

Castiel smiled, it was gummy and colossal, his nose was scrunched up and he could feel tears streaming down his cheeks.

“You’re…” Castiel’s voice was terribly scratchy still. “You’re that boy?”

Dean smiled and nodded, red tinted his freckle-face. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly and avoided Castiel’s eyes.

Castiel giggled, “I don’t really remember…”

“Well I remember you.”

Then suddenly lips were pressed against Castiel’s, they were oh-so soft and plump. Dean’s huge hands cupped his jaw and somehow pushed Castiel closer to him. Castiel hummed as one of Dean’s thumbs rubbed over his smooth cheek.

Dean then pressed one last quick kiss to Castiel’s chapped lips and as he pulled away he lightly licked Castiel’s top lip.

They hadn’t made out and they hadn’t done anything sensual, but Castiel was flushed completely. His palms were sweaty and did it suddenly get too hot in his room?

Fingers snapped in front of his face, “Cas?”

Castiel had been staring at Dean’s full lips. Dean suddenly for some reason apologized, “Hey, I’m sorry if I crossed the line and made you uncomfortable.”

Castiel didn’t know where his boldness came from but Dean instantly had a lapful of Cas. His legs might be useless, but his arms were not.  His first kiss was amazing and perfect, greater than he thought it’d be (which seemed impossible). But he wanted more.

He wrung his arms around Dean’s neck and whispered, “Shush.”

Castiel smooshed their lips together, he was inexperienced but his enthusiasm definitely made up for it. Dean grabbed the back of Castiel’s thighs and lifted his incompetent legs and made it so they were around his waist.

Castiel tore away and put his forehead to Dean’s. He smirked, “So you’re not a stalker then, huh?”

**Author's Note:**

> Doubt playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6kodOsOJkI-npe3hQp62vAi4LmxjjOGl


End file.
